Romans 8:28
by cheerio777
Summary: Kelsey cared only about three things drugs, drinking and sleeping around. This all changed when she moved to South Africa. What will happen when she is forced to go to a boarding school with new tempations? Can God forgive all the mistakes she's made? I r
1. Prologue

The pounding sound of the beat pulsed its way into my brain. It was the last day of grade eleven. I had one more year of high school and I would be free. I stopped dancing to take the joint from Kirt's mouth. I took a deep breath and blew the smoke back into his face, his hands searching me in tune with the music. How long had we been dancing? An hour or five? My head swam as I became numb to the world. Real clubs were so much different than the teen ones we used to go to. I didn't really need the joint because it was already the perfume of the club, that along with alcohol. Everyone was smoking or drinking. Everybody was dancing. I didn't even know what Kirt was doing to me, I didn't care.

Then the D.J said he was playing his last song so we headed out with Chris, Ana, Karine and Tony. We all poured into Tony's car and drove off. He cranked up some more music. I knew better than to think the night was over for us. We hit the town, pushing 150 clicks on a 100 high way. Tony produced some more drinks and we downed all of them. This was our life. Party all evening then break off in pairs for the night. Sex, drugs, and parties. That's all the mattered to us. Tony slowed his car to a stop in front of his house. Chris jumped out and the next time I saw him he was on top of Tony's roof, peeing.

"What the 'flip' are you doing up there?" I yelled.

"I… needed to find a… place high enough to piss…" his word slurred together. He always acted like such an idiot when he was drunk.

"I need to go too!" screeched Ana.

So we all got onto Tony's roof and took a piss. "Look at me!" I said walking on where the roof peaked.

"Are you crazy?" Ana asked.

I laughed again. "I'm gunna get out of this stupid place," I said, threw my head back and let the summer night air whip my hair away from my eyes. They were bloodshot, and it wasn't only because of the weed. I had a dark secret, something that no one knew, not my pathetic excuse for a father, not Chris, Kirt, Ana or Karine. The truth was that I hated myself. I hated that I needed a drink and smoke up to make me feel the least bit alive. I hated the feeling the drugs gave me. I hated myself for being so cheap. Twenty-five feet wouldn't do it. It probably wouldn't kill me, but it would be just enough for me to smell it. If I jumped before I fell, maybe I would get twenty-eight feet. It would feel great; I would be flying for like…one second. One second of flying would be better than anything I felt now. I looked out to the horizon; the sun was rising.

I looked back at the sunrise and as a tear slowly fell down my heavily make-up'd face, I jumped. I woke up in hospital with a hang over, a cop and my dad who appeared to be out of it, himself. To make a long story short, I was off. Off to live with my mom.


	2. Chapter 1

The summer I left on a plane to South Africa I had no clue of the adventure I would have. I was leaving the comfort of my Canadian home and friends to live with my mom for a year. Dad said he was tired of getting me out of trouble and keeping the police away from home.

I really hated him for shipping me off to the middle of the desert, away from my friends. He had no reason to! So what if I was failing all my classes? So what if I had smoked a little something and thought I could fly but in the end broke my leg and two ribs? So what if I got arrested three times in the past seven months?

First, the court ordered me to undergo some psycho-therapy or something but I never said a word to her. Well, that's not true I said two very rude words (that I dare not print now). So, after a few months the shrink gave up. I got expelled from three different schools last year. I know he just sent me because he wanted the court to stop breathing up his butt for a while. I was causing him too much trouble. Well, I don't need him anyway; I'm not a child anymore. Maybe deep, deep down inside I wanted to go. Because I don't do anything I don't want to. Maybe it was the fact that I knew he would murder me if I didn't go.

I'll be spending my seventeenth birthday among savages. Black savages in boiling unbearable heat. No partying, no hot guys, no drinking, and no fun. I knew I wasn't going to miss Kirt. I also knew he wouldn't miss me; he would be all over some other girl the minute I got on the plane. Dad must have been pretty scared to send me to mom. For one thing, she was one of those religious Bible thumpers. That's one of the reasons they divorced. She wasn't always about Jesus though. They used to be quite the partiers, I heard. Then she got pregnant and married my dad just because he was the father. She went through this horrible nervous, mental and spiritual breakdown.

Dad doesn't talk about that though; he doesn't talk too much about anything. It's not like I care. Anyway, that's when she got religious and he wouldn't. So she divorced him because he was too much of a bad influence. She said that God called her to be a missionary in Africa and it would be better if I grew up here. When dad didn't agree, she ran off. Later on she told him that she would send for me when I would be old enough, but she never has, until now; a year before I become an adult. How convenient, dad wanted me out and now mom wanted me in. I'm sure at first he didn't want to keep me, but I think he found me useful. Sometimes there are things only a little girl starving for her father's affection, in any form, will do.

Dad probably paid her to take me, with the shrinks hanging around our house all the time. It's not all my fault. At least I'm not the one with a crack lab in the basement stinking up the neighbourhood. Then again, the stream of guys climbing in and out of my window didn't exactly make me look like the most innocent girl the police have ever seen. No wonder the cops are always trying to snoop around. Well, I don't need any of them.

I slept and listened to music for most of the trip. I tried desperately not to think of how crummy my year was going to be. Finally, I landed in Pretoria and my new life began.


	3. Chapter 2

"Kelsey Anderson, is that you?" screeched a sun-tanned auburn haired young woman.

"Mom?-" my voice cracked. I knew it was her. She was gorgeous. Did she look a little like me? I wondered. I thought so. When I was young, I dreamt of my mother, but no dream had ever come close to how she looked now. I had no pictures of her, not even from their wedding. I guess it was just a quick drive-through chapel kind of thing. It probably was a way out of a lot of trouble. Tears started to come but I firmly held them back. I was Kelsey, cool Kelsey, strong Kelsey; I never let anyone see me cry, ever. Crying was for those who couldn't be strong enough to decide what would happen in the next moments.

"Is it really you? My… you look…," she trailed off looking me up and down. For some reason I tugged at my micro-mini skirt discreetly, then stopped. Why did I care what she thought? "We have so much to catch up on… You must be tired. Oh, gosh! I forgot my manners. This is Biko. He's been helping me around the house for a while."

I glanced at the strong, tall boy next to my mom. He was obviously black. He was noticeably muscular, and wore a plain pair of jeans and a button up checkered shirt. "Oh, I didn't know they still had slaves around."

"Kelsey!" said my mom, more embarrassed for Biko than anything. "Biko is not my slave. He is helping me around because I can't be at home all the time. I'm out preaching a lot…"

"Yeah… Whatever you say, _mom_." I said sighing and rolling my eyes.

"Hi," Biko said nicely extending his hand towards me, as if I had never called him a slave. "Did you have a nice ride?"

I ignored his outstretched hand and walked past him. I was not going to spend time talking to some weirdo guy. The sooner we got to my mom's place the sooner I could go back to Canada.

"Just this morning the truck broke down, so we're going to have to take the bus. It's right over there. We better hurry, it looks full," my mom said trying to hurry along with my luggage.

When I saw 'the bus' my heart sank even deeper. It was this run down old truck… with people in the back. Okay maybe it wasn't a truck but it was run down. I got on first with all my stuff, then Biko, but when my mom's turn came the driver said that there was no more room. Mom told me that she would meet me at home and then that hunk of metal actually started.

We were jostled around for the better part of an hour when I ventured to ask Biko how much longer until we got home. He showed me two fingers.

"Two minutes?" I asked but he shook his head.

"It takes two and a half hours to get home from down town by bus. It goes by pretty quickly," he said trying to make me feel better but failing miserably.

Two hours… two hours… super. First I have to leave my beautiful, colourful life to come to boring, hot South Africa, on a crummy shaky plane. Then, I have to waste two miserable hours on this piece of rusting metal. Not only was I bored out of my wits, but it must have been forty degrees outside.

We were all squished next to one another so after a few minutes the sweat of the old smelly man next to me was making my shirt cling to my back. The worst thing about this place was not the heat, or even the lack of transportation, it was the bugs! They were everywhere. The gross thing was that people actually ignored them. They just let the flies buzz around them and land wherever they wanted. I, on the other hand, was not so merciful. I swatted and swatted. I never let any one of those mosquitoes suck the blood out of me and give me west Nile virus or something.

Two hours later I tried to walk off that piece of junk but I sort of fell because I was so shaken up. I faltered and to my disgust Biko caught me.

"Wow, are you okay?" he asked.

"Don't touch me, ok? Look, just because were going to be living in the same house it doesn't mean you have to be nice to me, or even talk to me. I don't talk to savages."

Biko didn't even flinch. He just smiled and let go of my hand before I got off the bus, and I fell…stumbled, really. In fact it was more like I just lost my balance. Biko smirked and took my luggage. "Whatever you say, Kelsey."

"I can take _that_. I said I didn't need your help!" I grabbed the luggage away from him like a two year old.

"I thought I was just a slave."

"Well, if you were you wouldn't be getting in my way so much."

"Fine."

"Fine," I replied with fake arrogance.

"Fine," he said.

"Fine! Just leave me alone," I replied. "I need a smoke." Thank goodness I had brought my cigarettes, I was dying for one on the plane, I was dying for one on the bus, and now I needed one. I grabbed all my bags and started to walk towards the house. At least it was big and nice. Actually it was huge. I smiled a little and then Biko called me.

"Kelsey! That's the Bayley's house. Ours is over here!" The Know-It-All said. I slowly turned around and there it was; a run down old house. I half expected it to be made of sticks and animal dung. Things just couldn't get worse. I dumped my bags into my room, and lit a cigarette. I smoked it for a long time. I took a deep breath of it and made little smoke rings with it (a technique I had perfected over the years). In a while my mom arrived, came barging in, and started yelling like the room was on fire.

"Kelsey! I saw smoke coming from your room and," she stopped and stared. "What exactly do you think you are doing?"

"Smoking. What'zit look like?"

"Oh… you smoke. Since when?" she asked quietly.

This was a question I was used to and proud of. "Since I was ten," I replied waiting to see her reply.

"I see…" she said and walked out of the room. I smiled to myself. She would be a push over.

"Two thousand five hundred and twenty," my mom said stepping back into my room.

"What?"

"Two thousand five hundred and twenty dollars."

"I'm not deaf. _What_ is two thousand five hundred and twenty dollars?"

"That is how much money you have burnt since you were ten years old."

"Here's the thing. I really don't give a 'flip'," I answered getting annoyed with her.

"Good."

"Good?" I asked. What was wrong with this lady?

"Then you won't mind burning the rest of your three thousand dollars you brought from home, since you'll be spending it on smokes anyway."

"Burn my money?" I said in shock, and then smiled a little. "Ya… right."

"Right." In a split second she swooped down and grabbed my purse, with all my money and cigarettes in it.

I jumped up and yelled for her to give it back. She just marched outside. I just stood in my room, in utter shock. She wouldn't actually do it… She couldn't. I heard the back door open again and saw her going into her bedroom, without my purse. She mumbled something about going to bed early. I ran outside to the fire pit where Biko was poking the fire.

"Oh my gosh! You tell me what she did with my money and cigarettes this moment or I swear I'll throw you into that fire."

Biko stood up and poured water on the fire to put it out and walked away. I screamed. "No! What did she do? Tell me!"

He smiled his idiotic smile and left. I went over to the fire, but nothing was left except black, hard coals. I swallowed hard. This could not be happening. I had everything in there; cash, my phone, makeup, fake i.d's… All my contact to the outside world was in my purse and now I was totally cut off from everything. I went slowly into the house and fell on my bed, numb. At about two in the morning I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep so I went to sit on the porch. Biko was there…

"Your mother loves you, you know," he said when I had sat down beside him.

"Yeah right," I said snickering.

"She's your mom! She was really excited about you coming. She cleaned up the whole house and prepared this big supper, you didn't even look at it, let alone eat it."

"I don't care."

"What's wrong with you? I've only just met you and I've already made up my mind about you. Don't you get sick of yourself being so arrogant sometimes? The least you could have done was to be nice to her," he said.

"Why should I give her a second glance when she's the one who left me?"

"You are and always will be family, Kelsey. No matter how bitter you are, you can't change that she gave birth to you."

"I can't change it, but it sickens me. A mother who leaves her child does not love it. Maybe she has a hint as fondness for me now, but I hate her. Besides, how can you be so high and mighty? I don't see you with your family." When he didn't answer, I continued. "I've already made my mind up about you, as well. You're just some self-righteous guy who gets by, by doing house work for a preacher. Go home." When he didn't answer, I got up and walked inside to bed again.


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter Four**

After I had finished my horrible, cold shower in the morning, I decided to take a look at my surroundings. Mom's room was down the hall as well as the bathroom and kitchen. Kitchen… my stomach growled.

"Have you eaten yet, dear?" asked my mother when I went in the kitchen.

"No," I sighed.

"Good…"she said and went quiet.

I walked over to the window and looked out.

"Well… um, I was thinking that maybe we could go get some brunch if you want," she continued full of awkwardness. "How does that sound? I'm taking the afternoon off."

"No."

"You're sure?" she asked smiling.

"Yes I'm sure. I don't go out to brunch with strangers. I'm goin' back to bed." I ignored the look of pure rejection on my mothers face, besides it gave me a sick sense of sweet revenge.

I got out my walkman and blasted my music into my ears. I was sure to go deaf by the age of twenty. Suddenly I had had enough, and I was strangely curious about where I was. Maybe I could find a person who would give me a cheap ride back to Canada.

"I changed my mind." You should have seen the look on her face. She really was happy to eat with me…. Naw. I would not let her fool me. It was all just some big front she was putting up. We took the 'Bus' for about a million hours and we finally got there. Mom brought me to this cute little diner and we had brunch, except it was more like lunch by the time we got our food.

"Do you mind if I go and visit some people while we're in town? You don't need to come if you don't want to," my mom said.

"Fine," I muttered. I should have known she wasn't going to really take the afternoon off to be with me. I dug my hands into my pockets and to my delight discovered that I had a little cash on me. So, I left her and went walking around until a found a little bar. There we go. I hadn't had a good beer for a while. When I went in, it was just like at home; a few pool tables, a dance floor, and some good music playing. I stepped up to the bar and ordered a few beers. I now remembered why I didn't drink alone. I was on my sixth when a guy came up to me.

"Aren't you a little young to be drinking this early in the morning?" He asked. Gosh, he looked hott with his gorgeous black hair falling lightly around his face and his washboard abs exposed from his button up shirt. He couldn't have been much older than me.

"Aren't you?" I said back.

"Nope."

"- and your only eighteen," I said taking a guess at his age, hoping I wasn't wrong.

"You're right!" he smiled. "I'm Craig."

"Jade," I replied giving him my mysterious smile and taking another swig from my drink. "Where you from?"

"I'm from California. It's in the U.S."

"Ya I know- I'm from Miami," I lied. "I thought you looked like a surfer dude."

"Wow, Miami. So, how long are you here for?" he asked.

"A few days. You?"

"I'm leaving tomorrow."

"Really?" I asked. "Well, I'm available if you're ready for a good time."

"How much?"

"Two hundred and you pay me now."

"It's fate. It just so happens I have a few extra hundred bucks on me with an empty apartment down the street," he said leaning in to me. "Coming?"

"Sure," I said. "But, only after my beer." I giggled stupidly. By now, I was totally drunk. I drank fast. I guess I wouldn't have been so stupid if I wasn't piss drunk, then again maybe I would have.

"You pay me now." I said again. Craig took a roll of fifty dollar bills from his pocket and started to hand them to me until my mom entered the bar.

"She won't need that," she said. "You're coming with me, Kelsey, _now_!"

"I'm not coming with you… I'm going to Craig's apartment and…" I babbled incomprehensibly.

She grabbed my arm and dragged me out of the bar, laying down some money to the waiter. She walked up to a pay phone and I think she called Biko. Muttered something about how she missed the last bus and wouldn't be able to come home until late if he didn't come. She then dragged me onto a park bench and waited. In a few hours Biko came. By then I was sleeping. She put me into the back seat of his truck and hopped in the front with Biko.


	5. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

I woke up the next morning throwing up. Urgh, I hate hangovers. After all these years I still wasn't used to them. I went to the kitchen for breakfast or supper rather. My mom was waiting for me.

"Why do you do these things, Kelsey?" she asked. I rolled my eyes.

"Why do you think your _ex-husband_ sent me here? What can I say? I'm a problem child. By what I can see you're not doing a very good job in raising me," I countered.

"Well, maybe you're not doing a good job in being a daughter." It was weak. I laughed. "Don't you realise what you were doing? You were prostituting yourself to a thirty-five year old complete stranger."

I laughed out loud. "Seriously? Wow, I was smashed. You should have let me go at him and give him the time of his life. I would have beaten my record." She stared at me with that look of hers. "What? You've never done a thirty-five year old?"

"Alright. Now that you've smoked in my house, gotten yourself drunk, made Biko drive all the way down here in the middle of work, and almost prostituted yourself, I'm making a list of rules."

"Do what you want, I'm not obeying them."

"Rule number one; you obey all the rules and me."

"That's two rules in one, you can't do that."

"Rule number two; no smoking, drinking or any other forms of self mutilation," she ignored me. "Rule number three; you're not going in town again without constant supervision. Rule number four; respect Biko and I… I think that's enough rules for toady. Now you are excused to your room."

I stood there for a minute longer just to assert that she wasn't the boss of me. Then gradually wandered off to my room; there was no other place to go.

Later on the phone rang and I heard my mom yelling. In all her ramblings I heard, "No Harold! She can't go back to Canada yet! No! You're drunk, you are in no condition to be phoning my house and demanding I send our daughter on a plane this instant. You are insufferable! It was decided that she would live with me for a period of at least a year. I'll get her later? When later? She'll be an adult, for Pete's sake! Fine!" She put her hand on the receiver and yelled in the direction of my room. "Kelsey, your father is on the phone and he wants to talk to you."

I ran out of my room. I hated my dad but this instant, for once in his despicable life; he offered me a glimpse of hope. When I got on the phone I heard his muffled drunken laughter on the other end. I think he was in a bar or something.

"Kate? I mean _Kayla_-" he chuckled.

"It's Kelsey, dad. Look, when am I going home?"

"Look _Kaitlin_, I'm trying my absolutely bestest to get you out of that (vulgar word) hole. Besides I miss you. I can't wait to have you back…"

He made me sick on the inside, but I had to get away from here. "When?"

"You're getting on the next plane out of there, you stupid ugly-" and then I heard a vomiting sound. This is what I wanted to go back to… but I was used to my father calling me names and abusing me especially when he was drunk, and I needed out. My mom grabbed the phone.

"Harold, go home. The next plane leaves for Canada in a few weeks if not months, so if Kelsey _wants_ to leave by then, well… we'll see how she is," she said and then hung up the phone. "You're not my hostage Kelsey, you're my daughter." Then she did something no one else had done. She quickly kissed my forehead. "I just want to keep you safe." Sure loads of people had kissed me but no one had really meant it. They all wanted something for it, like I had asked for a kiss and then I had to pay them back. This was a true mother-daughter kiss. I started to tear up but stopped. If I was good I would be able to leave this place forever.

How could I have been so stupid? I had to play it different now. All my life my role was playing the rebel. Now I had to change that. It wasn't going to work with my mom. It was getting a little tiring anyways. Secretly I was glad I could leave the unkind side of me behind me for a while.

I went back into my room to rethink my strategy. I wouldn't get 'saved' that was for sure. One thing I knew was that something like that was forever. I already knew that God hated me, I didn't blame him. I had broken so many of his stupid rules I didn't keep track anymore. But getting saved was a commitment, I knew that much. My mom was a good example. She didn't look back once at dad or her old life after she did it. I knew I couldn't lie about that. God would surely smite me down for that one.

All I had to do was be a little nicer. Maybe become friends with Biko. After she will have seen how much of a good influence she has been on me, she will think I'll be prepared to go back home and be a civilized member of society. I almost laughed out loud. She suddenly knocked on my door and came in.

"Tonight there's Youths Night at church." From the moment she said church I turned on my ear phones and blasted the music. She came calmly up to me and took them off. I stared. "And you are going Kelsey. Now that you're living with me, you will at least go to Youths Night on Friday nights. I will not allow you to go wandering around town or hang around here all year."

I sighed. "Come-on! Do you really think I'm going to spend my time going to a freak gathering every night? I'm not some-"

"It's not some freak gathering and it's only on Friday's, dear" she smiled that idiotic smile of hers. "You can stay with Biko; he will introduce you to everyone."

I was too tired to argue and I had to seem nice. By this time I knew one thing about my mom, she cared enough about me to make me obey her… Dad never did anything like that. Even if she was harsh in my opinion, there was something about her that seemed so loving. I knew all about being mean and just plain unkind. I had been with loads of boyfriends that's for sure, and I had my dad. Most of them said that loved me and that they hurt me for my own good. Whatever. All I knew was that she was different. I didn't want to keep my mind on it though.


	6. Chapter 5

"Ready?" asked Biko knocking on my door.

"Yup," I said coming out but added "What's there to get ready for, it's just Youths Night."

"You're right. It is very casual," he said smiling. His smile was the thing that aggravated me the most. It looked so… genuine. But how could it? This was Biko, the one who stood by and let my mom burn my purse and did nothing to stop it. "We can take the motorbike because it's not so far."

"Listen, Biko. I just wanted to say, I'm sorry for not being as nice as I should have… I haven't exactly been the best house guest. So, sorry…"

"It is alright. All is forgotten. Well, here is my motorbike! It's not the latest model but it was when my dad was our age." I smiled. Maybe tonight wouldn't be so bad, maybe I wouldn't need to act so much, maybe. Biko handed me a helmet. "Hold on," he said. I put my hands around his waist. He smelt like fresh cinnamon, if that was possible. I smiled and the wind whipped across my face.

When we got to the church I was considerably better mood. A few people came to greet us; black and white people. "Hey Biko! Who's your new friend?" asked a black guy.

"This is Kelsey-"

"Hellllloooo Kelsey. The names George, George Pinolta," he took my hand and was about to kiss it when Biko stepped in.

"You don't need to know him." Biko smiled.

"No?" I asked and smiled back.

"Come, I'll introduce you to some more _civilized_ people." He took my hand away from George's.

"Okay Biko! Be selfish! Keep her all to yourself if you want to!" George yelled after us.

We went in and I met the youth leader, his name was Steve. The people here didn't seem to care about color. They all acted as if it wasn't a big thing at all that Biko had invited a white girl. It was all strange and new to me. It wasn't that I was racist or something. I had black friends and boyfriends in Canada. This was new though. They didn't look like all those thugs back home. Maybe I just didn't like being the different one, the only speck of white in a sea of darkness. Even though I had the feeling I was the speck of black in a sea of pureness.

We played a few games and then Steve got up to say the message. Everyone listened to him and respected him. It wasn't as bad as I thought I would be. Although I didn't want to admit to anyone I had a better time than I had had in years. Steve was actually funny. He was a Christian, I knew that, but he could also crack a joke. It really made me think, but not too much. I had to remember that this was all just a role I was playing until I could go home.

True to my mother's word, Biko introduced me to all of his friends. There was George who was obviously the ladies man, Lucky, Johnson, his sister Selena, and Arielle (I think she had a crush on Biko… I still didn't know why that made me nervous. Biko and I were still enemies in my mind.). They all seemed really nice and by the end of the evening I was laughing and talking with everyone. Right in the midst of all the chattering George said to Biko, "You were right Biko; she is as pretty as you said." He blushed.

"He did?" I asked, surprised that Biko would say something so nice about me to his friends when I was being so mean. What else had he said? I was curious as to what everyone else thought of me, but not too curious.

"Oh yeah! He came to church one day and started bragging about this gorgeous girl who came to live at his house. Except she was a-" started George.

Biko, who was obviously embarrassed, said "What George? I don't know what you're talking about. We should go, Kelsey. Your mom will be expecting us soon… Bye everyone!" I got up to leave and I heard Arielle shriek "Goodbye Biko!"

"Be good, Biko!" yelled Lucky. Biko had turned a tomato red by then and it was obvious that he wanted to get out of there as fast as possible. He turned back and glared at all of them, they smiled back.

"Like I said, don't listen to them." Biko told me when we got on the motorcycle.

"Don't worry about it," I replied but couldn't help bragging. "I get that from loads of guys."

When we got back, mom was at the kitchen table. "How was it kids?"

I had rehearsed what I would say to her all the way here. "It wasn't too bad, I guess… Biko's friends are nice," then I added "I mean of course their nice, there _Christian_s, after all…"Biko followed me.

"Kelsey?"

"What?" I sighed and turned around. I didn't want to have to associate with him longer than I had to.

"Never mind…" he said awkwardly.

I didn't feel like pressing the matter so I just went to bed.


	7. Chapter 6

Thanks for all ur reviews Lin! Ur awesome. :)

* * *

_Dear diary,_

_This morning Biko came to wake me up at about six in the morning! I should have been angry but since I was still half asleep but for some reason I wasn't. He asked me if I wanted to see a baby elephant being born. What was I supposed to say? This was a one in a life time experience! I jumped out of bed and it was only then that I realized I was in my bra and underwear from the previous day. Biko turned beat red again and turned around. Anyways, I got dressed and we left. Biko wouldn't look at me for most of the time though. It made me wonder if he had ever seen a girl half naked… I highly doubt it. He's as naïve as the goat mom keeps letting in the house. Man, I hate that goat… Anyway, we left and the sun was just rising over the horizon. It didn't take us long to be on the savannah and then all of the sudden I saw her. Biko told me he named her Korianne. She had been on the wildlife preserve near the house but it had gone bankrupt. No one wanted the elephant so they set her free and Biko looked after her, whenever he could._

"I didn't imagine elephants to be this big!" I whispered. Biko laughed.

"Well she is pregnant. I stayed up all night with her. She's been in labour since yesterday. We might need to go in and help the baby out…"

"What!" I asked horrified. "We won't have to... you know?"

"I think so…"

"Gross! Can't we call the doctor or something?"

"We could, but not when we have a veterinarian right here. Growing up here, people deliver all kinds of animals," he replied. "It's not that bad." He went back to the truck we came in. He brought back some gloves and threw some garbage bags to me. "A City kid like you's not scared of a mother giving birth are you?" He smiled.

"No," I replied indignantly.

"Okay," He sighed. There is not much to describe. How can you describe an elephant giving birth? It was… well a good experience. The baby elephant got out healthy and Korianne took over from there.

"I found a name for her," said Biko after we had gotten home and cleaned up. "I've always liked the name Kelsey. What do you think?"

"You really want to name it after me?" He smiled. He was doing a lot of that lately and it still made me nervous. "I guess it has a nice ring to it Korianne and Kelsey. I like it," I said.

"Want to make breakfast for her?" Biko asked when we got back to the house.

"Who?"

He gave me the look that someone does when you're asking about the obvious. "Your mom, of course. She worked late with the people down at the hospital last night."

"I still don't get what she does. She just stands on a soap box and yells at people to repent in their hospital beds?" I laughed at my own little joke. Biko did not.

"Well, she visits with the ones who nobody visits and preaches with a bunch of other devoted strong people. So, do you want to help make breakfast for her or not?"

"No!" I replied. Why would I make breakfast for her?" He was persistent and got to work making the eggs. "Fine… I let up. But I'm not bringing it in to her."

Since I had nothing else to do for the rest of the day, I spent it hanging out with Biko. We went to go get some more groceries at the market. I went with him on one condition; we ride in his truck. Thankfully it had been fixed the day before. On the way there Biko told me stories of his childhood and the time flew by. I was also glad that we didn't need to go all the way into town just to get groceries. By the time, we had reached the local market, I had learned that he had four sisters (Adriana who was fifteen years old, Ariane eleven, Mary five, and Liana three years) and three brothers (Koby eighteen, Marco thirteen, and Achim nine).

"So let me get this straight. You have eight children in your family?" He nodded. "Koby, you, Adriana, Marco, Ariane, Achim, Mary, and Liana."

"I've just received a letter from my mother and she is pregnant again. She is really happy because it'll be a boy."

"How does she know?" I asked remembering they didn't have ultra-sounds here.

"I still don't know. She just knows these things and she's never been wrong before. My father's especially glad because he wants more boys to help the rest of the family," he said.

"Why aren't you with them?" I asked timidly turning to face him.

He sighed. "Because I became a Christian and they didn't approve. They told me to leave and so I did. It's hard to be surrounded by those who don't share the same beliefs as you, all the time."

"So they kicked you out?"

"Kind of, but I still visit once in a while. They want me to come back and forget about God, but… I can't do that."

"So that's why you and my mom get along so well. You both thought an invisible God was more important than your family," I said. I was annoyed. What was wrong with all these Christians? Couldn't they see how their 'religion' was hurting the people who matter the most?

"Have you looked into Christianity before coming to all these conclusions?" Biko asked.

"I know enough to get by and enough to know that its bull. Some insane guy named Jesus wasted his whole life saying he was god and then died for it, just to prove it. It's all a big money scam made by the church. Besides, any God that would demand that you give up everything for him, isn't worth following. All religion is the same. Stupid and pointless."

"All religions are not the same, Kelsey. Christianity is different. Did you know that Christianity is the only religion in which humans cannot save themselves? We don't need to do any special thing to be accepted, loved. We can only be unconditionally loved by one person; the One who created us. The One who made us from His own image is the only One whose love conquers all things material and intangible. He loved us so much that he sent himself down as a sacrifice, to be whipped, humiliated and nailed to a cross. He did all that so that we could be in heaven with him forever. Hepaid the price for us, i gues you could call it the enterance feefor heaven. So now we have it for free, we just need to accept it.That is love, Kelsey," at this point he stopped his speech. "I'm sorry, am I talking your ear off?"

Despite myself I said, "No." In my subconscious, I wanted to know more about this love. He told me some more about how God changed his life and for the first time I saw God as someone who loved, and wasn't always angry.

_It made me think, really think. And this time I didn't stop myself. I knew it was dangerous, but I needed to explore my mind. I needed to think this out… What if this God did exist and I was wrong? I highly doubted it, but none the less I felt like I had to ask someone else about it. I couldn't just believe Biko's word. I would ask Selena next Youth's Night. This could wait, I supposed. Well, I have to go now. Biko and I are going to paint the house with a few of his friends. It seriously needs a good paint job, and mom is paying us (BONUS!)_

_LOVE, ME_


	8. Chapter 7

"I think we should go for a nice, fluorescent pink," elaborated Selena. She was always the most… expressive. We all laughed.

After everyone had agreed on light yellow we started. I mostly painted next to Selena because I wanted to catch her and ask her about… well, about God. But I could never get a moment alone because Biko was always around. I think Selena noticed it too and sensed that I wanted to talk so after a while she declared that we were going to get something to eat for everyone. Biko wanted to help but we persuaded him to keep painting.

"So what's the deal with you two? Do you like him? Are you going out?" Her questions startled me.

"What?" I stammered stupidly.

"Oh come on! Everyone's dying to know." I thought for a moment. Did I like Biko? I had only gotten to know him this past month, but he was kinder than anyone I had ever known for my entire life. I started out by hating him but now… We talked way more than any of my other boyfriends and I talked. I had shared things with him that I hadn't shared with anyone before. And he talked about God. He made God seem so much more than what I'd heard. Even with all the derogatory remarks on my part and his retorts, were wecloser than just friends?

"No," I smiled. "Biko is not more than a good friend. Hey Selena? When did you become a Christian?" I asked trying to change the subject casually but failing miserably.

"Really want to know?" I nodded. "Well, I was... a prostitute." My eyes widened. Selena was one of the most modest people I knew! I could not imagine her on the streets of Africa. "Look, don't go blabbing this around okay? It's true… I sold my body for a few hundreds a night. At first I worked in a bar, then motels, and then I took my bags and headed for the streets when a guy came by and told me I would make better bucks for him than I would as a show girl." She hung her head. "It's weird when I think about it. I remember my first client and then everything was just a blur. I was numb, I drank, and I did drugs. I did everything I could to drown them out of my mind. It was sick, absolutely gross. To make a long story short I got gonorrhoea, and it all went downhill from there. I had to tell Tom, I guess he's what you would call my pimp… Well, he fired me, kicked me out and took all the money. He said he was running a clean business and didn't want a nasty whore getting it all dirty. We had regular customers and they would find out from who they had contracted the disease from soon enough.

I was on the streets, no money, starving and getting sicker by the day. I was so lonely and depressed I checked myself into a random Women's Recovery Clinic. I was only fourteen, barely a teenager. Instead of giving me to Children's services, they kept me there. They got me off the drugs I was so dependent on, and got me the medical attention I needed. It ended up being a Christian Women's Shelter and I got saved. They helped me realized that God loved me even though I had broken His laws. They also showed me that even though He was forgiving, we couldn't just go and do bad stuff expecting Him to forgive us after, because by then it could be too late.

It was hard to accept that this guy didn't want anything from me accept my full and complete trust. They taught me to think of Him as more of a Holy Spirit than a man. It was weird for me to know that God is always watching, but he's not watching for me to do something wrong, He's looking at me because he can't keep His eyes off me. He thinks I'm completely and utterly beautiful. "

"So you got better?" I asked.

"I'm healed from the STD but I still have all the memories I can't erase. It's okay, I mean, it was hard but God helped me get through it." She smiled again. "I've gotten though a lot with Him."

"Ya… let's get this pizza outside. They'll be wondering what's going on," I said uncomfortably.

"Well, Selena and I have got to go. Mom is expecting us home by now," said Johnson after six pieces of pizza. Lucky had to go get some groceries and Arielle (reluctantly at that) also left.

Biko invited me to go for a walk with him to go visit Korianna and I had accepted. "Hey Biko? I was talking to Selena and she said that God still loved her even if she was a… well, even if she broke His laws and no one else liked her for who she was. Do you think that's true?" I asked almost whispering looking out onto the horizon. The sun was setting and everything was so calm and quiet, I felt like I could ask him anything.

"Definitely."

"Do you think…? Could He forgive me?"

"Kelsey, God loves you more than you can ever imagine. He wants so badly to forgive you, all you need to do is ask."

"But how do I know He won't let me down once I accept Him?"

"It's trust. Besides, He's the One who sent His only Son to leave heaven and live among us, knowing how much he would be persecuted. He came on this earth to die for you. I don't think thatSomeone who would die for you will ever let you down, once you thank Him for that gift."

"But how can he love me? I'm so dirty… I don't even like myself…"

"He made you. _He_ thinks you're gorgeous. Trust me. Even if you don't think you're worthy of anyone's love,God knows you are. You are so precious to Him, Kelsey."

I started to cry uncontrollably, for the first time since I was five years old. I cried and cried and cried and cried. Biko cried too, though I didn't know why. Right then and there, into the stillness of the savannah, I gave my heart to Jesus.

Afterwards I felt so… so complete, so clean, so whole, and so beautiful, like just after you've had the most perfect shower. I felt just as Biko had said; born again, fresh.

Soon after, my mother got home and I told her I needed to tell her something. I smiled and told her that I had been saved and accepted Jesus into my heart. At that word 'saved' I stopped. I was a Christian. I had promised myself I wouldn't and now I was. What was I so scared of? This wasn't so bad at all. If I had known how it had felt before I would have tried to get to know more on Jesus. That was in the past now. I was forgiven for all my sins and my old life.

That night I slept better than I had slept in years. I slept all night, peacefully and I woke up the next morning (not afternoon) in the same position with the covers still on me! This was a great accomplishment in itself. I was happy but I couldn't remember why. The all of the sudden I remembered all of the events from the past day. I lay there for another minute, but what then? I leaped out of bed to find my mom. I ran into the kitchen and almost bumped into Biko. I gave a shy smile, apologized and then found my mom.

"Hey mom?" I asked. "Now that I'm a Christian what happens now? What am I supposed to do?"

My mom smiled. "Talk to God, read the Bible, go to church and Youth's Night… Just spend time with God, I guess."

"He really wants to talk to me?" I asked half excited, half sceptical.

"Of course, Kelsey! That's the whole point," she said.

I spent the rest of the day thinking about all the things my new life would comprise and all the things that would have to change. From time to time Biko entered my thoughts. I didn't know what to make of them. I owed my life (practically) to him. I decided deep down that perhaps if he asked me I would possibly consider going out with him. Wait- Could Christians date? I raced into the kitchen again and Biko raced in the opposite direction so, again we bumped into each other. He apologized and I smiled. Why did it seem so awkward between us now? I was probably just imagining it.

"Hey mom?" I asked again. "Um- What does God think about dating?"

"Well, Kelsey… It's very controversial decision. The one thing that I knowfor sure,is God wants us to be safe and pure. He wants us to grow in our walk with Him. If your partner hinders you in that, then it doesn't make God happy.Some interpret that as teenagers shouldn't date at all regardless of religion. Some say that dating is fine, even if it's someone with different beliefs than you, and some people think that Christians should only date Christians."

"Why?" I asked confused.

"Most people who don't believe in God have different boundaries set. It's easier to slip when you are in a close relationship with someone who wants to do things that you know you don't. They might not understand the logic of why you do some things and not others. Its complicated," she answered. "Why the sudden interest?"

I just shrugged.


	9. Chapter 8

"Hey," hissed Biko early the next morning next to my bed. "Awake yet?"

"I am now! At what time do you wake up every morning?"

"Early," he said. "Let's go visit Korianne."

"Now?" I whined and turned over.

"We'll watch the sunrise." When I didn't move he added, "I can bring my Bible and I'll show you some of my favourite verses…" I turned around to face him.

"Ok, but you're going to need to turn around. I'm not fully dressed."

He blushed and left. When we got there Biko pulled out his bible and I pulled out my new one.

"This is one of my favourite ones; 'All things work together for good for those who love the Lord' Romans 8:28."I loved this verse. It meant thatall the crap that had happened to me would work out.He read to me a few more verses and stories about Jesus.

What surprised me was that Jesus felt. He was God in human flesh with feeling. He felt righteous anger, grieved loss of friends, and rejoiced at weddings. He even hung out with the people that no one would hang out with. I guess that's what my mother did. She went all the way to Africa to tell people about Jesus, when no one else would. My mind drifted.

"He really _lived _didn't he?" I interrupted Biko in mid verse.

"Yeah…" he said nodding and smiling.

"What?" I asked when i found him looking at me a little while later.

"Nothing," he said and then looked away. I looked back at him and then when he saw me I turned away. He kept smiling.

"Stop," I said.

"Stop what?"

"Stop smiling at me!"

"Why? Aren't I allowed smiling?" he asked trying to make me laugh.

"Not like that," I said. He looked away at Korianna and baby Kelsey.

"You're the most beautifulgirl I've ever seen," Biko said still not looking at me.

I was taken aback. "Thank you," I said and blushed. "Was George right? Did you really brag about me at church?" I asked tentatively.

"Yes, but _now_ you're beautiful inside; it's different than your physical beauty. I like your inside beauty more." He slipped his hand in mine.

I looked down at our intertwined hands. He was so dark and I so light. It made me think of those art gallery photos, beautiful. "It really means a lot me." No one had ever told me that I was beautiful on the inside before. This was all new to me. All I knew is that I felt different. For the first time in my life when someone said I was beautiful I didn't feel dirty or stared at. I felt pure and cherished.

I looked out to the horizon and all of the sudden a slice of sun started appearing. I moved a little closer to Biko and rested my head on his strong broad shoulder. His arm around me, we watched the sunrise together. I was totally convinced. There had to be a God to have created such a beautiful sunrise. Those things just didn't happen on their own.

He reached into his bag and pulled out another paper bag. "What's this?" I asked.

"Your purse,three thousand dollars cell phone and other stuff," he replied smiling. "We never really burnt it…"

I laughed out loud and it. "Don't worry, I won't be buying any more smokes with this money, or any other money for that matter."

"Good, because I don't think I would be able to kiss a smoker," he said looking into my eyes.

All of the sudden his cell phone rang and he sat up startled. "Hello? Hi Mrs. Anderson. Yeah were fine," he said smiling at me. It made me blush. "Ok. We're on our way."

I frowned inwardly. Mom had to ruin everything… "She's got a surprise for you, when we get home."

"A surprise?" I asked, climbing down the big tree we had been sitting in. "Like what?"

"You'll see…"

"At least give me a hint," I pleaded in the truck on the way home.

"Nope.

I couldn't think of what type of a surprise my mom would have for me, and it killed me that Biko wouldn't tell me.

"You're acting like a two year old!" he joked. "Patience is a fruit of the spirit you know."

"Fine," I said. When he drove into thedrive way,I couldn't contain my excitement and ran into the house.

The moment I stepped into the house everyone yelled 'Happy birthday Kelsey!' There was Selena, Johnson, Lucky, George and Arielle. Through the cake and presents I kept stealing a look at Arielle and Biko. She was such a flirt and it was obvious she had her eye on him. Biko gave me a wink and another one of his smiles that made me blush whenever he caught my eye. Maybe he did like me better than her.Iknowhe held my hand and told me i was beautiful, but so many other guys had cheated on me...

They all stayed for the rest of the day and then we went to Youth's Night. Steve, the youth pastor couldn't help but make the whole youth sing happy birthday to me. It didn't bother me as much as I thought it would have when I came here. I liked Church, I liked Youth's Night, I definitely liked Biko (especially when he held my hand in front of everybody), I loved my mom and I loved my new life.

"You really like her huh?" I overheard Lucky ask Biko.

"Since the first day I met her. Evenwhen she acted like a spoilt ungrateful brat," he replied turning around. I smiled when I saw him looking at me and my heart fluttered. I had been doing more smiling than I had ever done in my entire life in that month and a half.

I decided that I was really and truly happy. The next morning I woke up excitedly. My mom suggested that we go out for a late birthday breakfast, and I agreed. I left a note for Biko on the table and signed it: '_Can't wait to see you. Love, Kels'_.


	10. Chapter 9

"Since when do you write letters signed with 'Love, Kels' to Biko?" my mom asked when we got to the restaurant.

"I don't know," I said avoiding her eyes.

"Kelsey?" my mom asked, her voice rising.

"What?" I replied defensively.

"Biko asked me if he could take you out on a date tomorrow night…" she said hesitantly.

I couldn't keep the corners of my lips from moving upwards into a light smile. I couldn't believe he had actually asked her permission.

"I don't know if this is a good idea, Kelsey."

"What?" I said a little louder than I meant to.

"When Biko gives his heart to someone or something, he gives his everything…"

"What are you saying?"

"I don't want him to be ruined…"

"Ruined?"

"It's just considering your history…"

"My history?" I asked, getting angry. I had changed, couldn't she see that? Why did she have to bring up all of my mistakes?

"Gosh this is coming out harsher than it needs to be."

"Just say it!" I yelled.

"Even if it does last, and you don't make mistakes with each other, you'll still be leaving in a year and long distance relationships don't often work. I don't want him hurt."

"You think he's going to get hurt?" I asked numbly. "Mom, I've never trusted anyone before. Even when I was little and didn't know any better, everyone I trusted has ended up hurting me. I've never allowed myself to feel this much before…"

She looked at me and thought for a long while. "I've already given him my permission, but please Kelsey… Be careful."

Summer seemed to fly by. I saw loads more animals, each one more surprising than the next. Mom kept a close eye on Biko and me. I suppose she had reason, I didn't have the best record with guys. I couldn't figure mom out. She was strict and loving but I think she wished dad would come through. I suspected she did miss him a little, but not enough to go back to him.

Biko was great. He listened to my tyrants about my father without saying a word. We went out almost everyday. It wasn't always dinner and a movie. One day we would read from the Bible or we would just talk in the giant tree half an hour away from home. He would buy me flowers and call me his sweet heart and look at me like I was the most important person in the world. The thing I loved the most about him was that everything we did was pure in God's eyes. I didn't need to pay him with sex for all the flowers and kind words he would tell me. At the end of the day, I didn't owe him anything. I gave as much as I wanted to, and received it back ten-fold.

I know his friends were jealous because he would turn them down for the day to spend time with me alone. Sometimes we would stay with them, but we liked each other too much to pay attention to anyone else. Arielle was completely torn up. She complained to the others all the time. I felt only a little bad for her.

"Are you nervous for school?" my mom asked me one day.

"School?" I asked, bewildered. Oh yeah… with all the excitement and fun of the summer, I had almost forgotten that I still had to go to school here.

She smiled. "Yeah, you know, kids go there sometimes."

"Yeah."

"Well, you better start packing; I'll be dropping you off in about a week."

"A week? Where?" I asked, suddenly afraid. Was she going to send me back to Canada for school? After I had just gotten comfortable here and made friends?"

"For school, it's a boarding school called Heartland."

"Um... I don't think I have enough good grades to get into a boarding school…"

"No worries, I've already registered you. It was though getting your files from all your schools but I did it, none-the-less."

"What about Biko?"

"He'll be going to South African College; it's half an hour away, practically next door." She must have seen my face because she added, "You can visit on weekends and holidays. It won't be so bad."

I ran to find Biko who was just coming back from running an errand for my mom. "Did you know about school?" I asked him.

"Yeah," he replied surprised by my tone.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked him angrily.

"I- I'm sorry, Kelsey. I thought you knew. You know school does come after summer vacation in Africa as well."

I turned and walked away in frustration towards the porch. He parked his truck and came over to me. "I'm sorry. Does it really matter? We'll see each other on the weekends, after classes." He brushed a tear from my face.

"It won't be the same. I won't be able to see you any time I want!"

"Distance makes the heart grow fonder. Besides we won't be that far apart, the schools are pretty close toogether."

I pushed out a weak mocking laugh. "Half an hour away from each other… It doesn't seem to bother you much."

"It doesn't. I mean, it does! But it's not the end of the world. It's not like one of us died or something."

"Do you even want to stay together?"

"Yes!" he exclaimed. "Of course I do. Don't you?"

"Of course I do. I'm the one who's worked up about us being away from each other for so long. You don't seem so sure…"

"I am. I mean, I do care."

"Why?" I asked, confronting him. I didn't know why I was being so mean though. He had always told me how much he cared, how sweet, intelligent and pretty I was. "Why do you care that we won't be together everyday?"

"Because then I won't be able to do this everyday," he said, leaned forward and kissed me. Our first kiss. It lingered for a second and then he broke away. "I'm sorry I wasn't more understanding."

I looked at him. "How do I know you won't leave me like all the others did?" I couldn't bear losing him. I hated that all of the sudden, everything was going to change again. I had just got my feet on stable ground and it was going to give way again…

"You won't lose me. I still really like you, and I think I will for a long time."

"You don't love me?" I asked.

"Kelsey, love is such a strong word. I like you better than I've ever liked anyone. I've just given you my first kiss. That counts for a lot. I don't think I've ever been in love, but… if I ever do, it'll be with you."

Somehow I understood. At first I was a little hurt that he didn't say that he loved me, but it'll make it all the more worth while when he did. I couldn't say the same for me. I had told so many guys that I loved them, but I knew I hadn't. I doubted that Biko would have believed me if I had told him I loved him. Well, I would prove him wrong… as soon as I knew I was in love.


	11. Chapter 10

"Huh? Oh nothing's bothering me," Biko said when I asked him what was on his mind a few days later. He had been spacey and I knew something was up; I just couldn't put my finger on it. In the end, he continued when I persisted. "My family wants me to come back for a while… until the end of the summer."

I looked at him. "Are you going to go?"

"I don't know. They're the ones who practically disowned me. Adriana is promised to be married. She said she'll only accept the marriage if I was there… so they want me to come to the ceremony."

"So you're really going?" I asked.

"Yes."

"When?"

"In a few days."

"A few days!" I said "That means I won't be seeing you until the weekend after school starts!"

"No."

"Yes!"

"No."

"Biko, you are leaving in a few days and-" I started, trying to knock some sense into him.

"No, _we're_ leaving in a few days."

I stared at him. "Really? You mean I can come to? Won't your parents mind? Are you sure it's ok that I go with you, I mean…"

"Of course it is! Well, I still have to ask your mother though," he said putting his arm around me. Then he leaned forward and pulled me closer. I felt his warm breath on my nose and the beatings of his heart get faster. We hovered there for a fraction of a second. The kiss surprised me at first, it wasn't really the most romantic time to kiss, but I liked it, a lot. Then it deepened and I remembered all the other kisses I had had. I pulled away.

"Sorry," he muttered. "I didn't mean to-"

"It's fine. I just- I really like you and I don't want to ruin anything like I have before…" I said trying not to make him feel bad.

"Hey, it's okay we'll take it slower. I just forgot about… before you were a Christian…."

"Yeah. You know, I wish I hadn't done all those things. It really messes a person up."

After that we went to ask my mom if I could go with Biko to visit his parents and siblings. She was a little hesitant of letting us go alone, but we assured her that we would only be alone in the car and then we would meet Biko's uncle, who was also coming for the wedding, at a hotel. Biko would be sharing a room with him and I would have my own.

"I'll see you at school!" I told Selena the day we were going to leave.

"No way! I'm going to help you pack!" she told me back. "So how are you going to handle this?"

"Handle what?" I knew Selena too well by now to know that she switched subjects about four times in every conversation. She wasn't talking about the luggage.

"Well, you are going on a ten hour car ride alone with your boyfriend and then you're going to go to a fancy hotel (all expenses paid by your boyfriend's uncle) together. I'm sure you're not just going to go to sleep in your room when you get there."

"Selena, Biko and I really like each other we wouldn't ruin anything by sleeping together, if that's what you're getting at."

"I'm sure you won't plan to do it, but… you both have ragging hormones," she started but I stopped her.

"You're starting to sound like my mom!"

We would be there for a total of three weeks. I still felt a little awkward since I didn't know Adriana but Biko talked about her all the time, she sounded really nice.

"Have you told you folks I'm coming?" I asked Biko.

"Yes, I wrote them a while ago and they said it was fine. My uncle is brining his girlfriend and he is not much older than us."

"But she's not… She's not white."

"She is!"

A wave of relief flooded over me. I was not going to be the only white girl there. "How old are they?"

"He's twenty."

"Twenty! How can he be your uncle?"

"My family has lots of children, for a long time. I have an aunt who is five years younger than me."

I said a final goodbye to my mother and we were off. Just the truck, our baggage, and Biko and I. Biko liked driving fast to impress me but after about five hours we got bored. We started playing 'I spy', but then that got boring. It didn't help that we were on a one way road so there were no other cars passing us. We got to talking about his family again.

"Do you get along with Koby very well?"

"I used to, when we were younger. Then I became a Christian, and… well, he didn't agree."

"I'm really proud of you, you know that," I looked at him. "You were really brave to leave your family for God."

He laughed. "Your opinion sure changed."

"My heart changed."

We got to the hotel at six o'clock, checked in and dropped our stuff in our rooms. When Biko said it was an expensive hotel, I did not expect it to be this extravagant! Biko's uncle and his girlfriend hadn't arrived yet so we went to look in our rooms and get settled. After about ten minutes there was a knock at the door and a man in a suit stood in the door way with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Forgive me for intruding but do I have the pleasure of speaking with Ms. Kelsey Anderson?"

"Um, yes," I replied looking at his suspiciously.

"I was informed to deliver this note to you. The writer wishes to remain anonymous and wishes for you to write back."

"Thank you," I said and took the note from his hand. "Just a moment."

I opened the sealed enveloped and read the letter.

_To the fairest of them all,_

_My beloved Kelsey, I wish to apologise for sending this note on such short notice, but circumstances (such as you checking into the hotel ten minutes ago) forbade me from sending it to you earlier. Would you do me the great honour of dinning with me in the hotel restaurant at seven this evening? Your presence would be most pleasing. Please send you response through the man standing outside your door._

_Faithfully yours,_

_your secret admirer. Xox_

I smiled, wrote a reply and sent it off with the man who was still waiting at my door. My heart fluttered excitedly. It was like we were going out for the first time again. I glanced at my watch and realised that I only had forty five minutes to get ready. I took a shower, slipped on my favourite dress, applied my make-up and did my hair neatly.

I was still amazed at the beauty of the hotel. As soon as I stepped into the lobby connected to the restaurant, I saw him, waiting at a table seated for two fumbling with his napkin nervously. I smiled and walked over. When he saw me, he stood up immediately. He was dressed in a tux, tie and all.

"Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair; thou hast doves' eyes," he said looking deeply into my own eyes. "It's from the Song Of Solomon. Chapter 4 verse 1."

I smiled. "It's beautiful."

"Just like you," he said and handed me a single red rose. I was ecstatic.

"Thank you. You're great," I smiled and leaned over to kiss his cheek.

He pulled out my chair for me and we ordered dinner. Everything was perfect, the food, the scenery, the company…

When we were done, we went to the check out counter where a youngman and woman were standing. Biko introduced them as Uncle Ben and Karen. We still didn't want to go to our rooms so we walked outside on the balcony and talked some more. The stars were up and the atmosphere couldn't have been more romantic. "I'm glad I came," I told him gently.

"I'm glad too. Now I can show you off to my family as well as my friends," he said and took my hand.

"You're frozen. I'll walk you back to your room."

"You know what? It looks exactly like my room!" he said laughing when I had given him a tour.

"I had a really good time, Biko," I said. "Thanks for everything."

"I had a really good time too, Kelsey."

He leaned in for another kiss. I knew we had said to take it slow so it was okay, right? It was just a kiss goodnight anyway. No harm there. Wrong choice at the wrong place at the wrong time. He was all over me. It deepened.

"Don't," I said, which surprised even me. I knew it would be wrong if I didn't stop and well... I didn't want to ruin anything, especially in God's eyes. We both pulled away embarrassed that we let things get this far.

"I'm sorry. This isn't what I meant to do... I'm sorry."

"It's okay," I replied.

"Umm, this sounds weird but will you pray with me, like now?" he asked, and we did.

We asked God for forgiveness. It seems that was all I'd been doing lately. We must have been praying for a while because Biko's uncle came knocking on the door.

"You kids better not be doing what I think your doing. Your mom would freak if she knew you we're fooling around in there," he said making a joke out of it.

Biko opened the door. "We're just praying," he said smiling.

"Well, she would freak if she knew that too," he said looking inside. "Say your goodnights. We've got a long day of driving ahead of us."

Biko came over to me. I was still embarrassed and felt like somehow it had been my fault. Maybe it had been. "It's okay," he whispered in my ear. "You did the right thing. If it was up to me, well-… Thanks, Kelsey."


	12. Chapter 11

LIN, im glad at least _one _person reviews.. lol. its gool though, not as much pressure to make it extra good. um yea, i always try and write SHORT stories but they turn into long novels.. i've actually already finished writing this one, but im posting it a few chapters at a time, cause im kinda editing it and such. so yea, enjoy. :)

* * *

"Hey!" Biko called coming back from working the field with his father, wiping his face down with a cloth. His sweat made his shirt cling mercilessly to his rippled body. I could see every muscle line in his chest move with every breath he took. My mind wandered. I looked away. I knew God had heard my thoughts.

"Biko!" squealed Liana and wobbled towards him. Gosh, he was good with kids. All the children around here were enamoured by him. All I heard all day was, 'Biko helped bury the dead bird I found today. Biko gave me colouring pencils. Biko played soccer with us today.' Biko this- Biko that-. I was proud of him and liked him even more because of his love for children.

During the two weeks that we had been here Biko had shown me more than just the scenery. This was a real family. Everyone cared for each other. Everything worked together for the good of the family, even though many sacrifices had to be made.

"Guess what Kelsey?" said Biko carrying Liana in his strong arms. I blushed looking at them and he smiled back.

"What?"

"My brother is coming back from the city today. We just received word that he is going to be at the train station soon." It was only then that I realised I hadn't seen Biko's older brother. "Are you going to come to meet him?"

"Of course! Isn't your father coming?"

"No, he has to stay in the field. The harvest is late and he can't spare anymore time."

"What is your brother doing in town?" I asked.

"He works to make extra money for the family."

"But who helps your father in the field then? Isn't it very hard work?"

"Yes," replied Adriana butting in. "But Marco and Achim help. It _would be easier_ for him if Biko stayed around and helped though." A familiar sharpness entered her voice.

Biko let out a sigh. "Adriana, you know what I believe. Father is the one who sent me out."

"Then come back."

"He won't let me."

"Unless you give it up-"

"I won't do that," was his sharp answer.

"Kelsey could stay too for a while," she continued.

"No thanks, Adriana. I don't think I could live without Jesus." No one spoke for a long time and I felt badly for Adriana who was here practically all alone, so I added. "You can come visit us on the weekends!"

"I'm getting married in a week. I won't be able to visit you."

Great. I messed up again. _Why can't I just keep my big mouth shut sometimes!_ Biko and I got into the truck, Adrianna's piercing stare behind us in the back seat. The awkward silence that followed almost pierced my ear drum it was such a loud silence. To my delight we got to the station without anymore of my stupid comments.

Koby, Biko's brother, reminded me of George back home. Home- home was at my mom's house… I didn't really miss my old life. All the sensations I had felt in Canada had been temporary. They felt great in the moment and then left you screaming in pain on the floor afterwards. With God, there were highs and lows, but the lows were not as dramatic as the old ones and the highs were even better. In fact I didn't miss it at all. I dreaded the day I would have to leave. But I pushed those thoughts as far back as I could.

After Biko had welcomed him, Koby turned to me. "So you're the famous Kelsey I've heard about in the letter Biko sent."

"Yup," I replied.

"Well, little brother, usually I get the pretty girls but you got luckier than I did my whole life!" he laughed a booming laugh. I didn't see how they ever could have let anything between them.

For the remainder of the trip Koby felt it was his duty to find out as much information about us as possible. "How long have you two been dating?"

"Two months," Biko said and smiled at me.

"Two months! So when's the wedding?"

I turned bright red. "We haven't even known each other for half a year, Koby," Biko replied not looking at me.

Somehow Biko's comment hurt, but I caught myself. It was stupid. What was I thinking? It was way too early to be thinking of marriage. In a year I would be moving back to Canada and Biko would stay here. It would be the hardest time of my entire life… unless I asked my mom if I could stay.

We had only known each other for three months but I knew him better than I had known any of my other boyfriends. Besides, we were only seventeen! So? Adriana was fifteen and she was already engaged to someone she didn't even know. Biko and I surely knew each other more. No. I was from Canada, he is from South Africa. It could never happen. Anyway, it would be highly unlikely that a teenage couple would make it through a year without breaking up. But then again we weren't _just any_ teenage couple.

We respected each other. We worked together on everything. This was something new to me. We didn't just make-out every weekend. We talked to each other. I had told him things that I had never told anyone. He had introduced me to Jesus, who had saved my life… We would just have to see how school went. He would probably find some nice girl and break up with me. I sighed, just a little.

Before I knew it, Adriana was getting married. The ceremony was done and I got to see her husband. He wasn't as bad looking as I thought he would look. He was in his mid thirties, African, of course, andlooked good-natured. It wasn't like all the bad marriage ceremonies you read about, when the hero of the book saves the girl from getting married to a complete, fifty year old stranger. We didn't whisk her away forever, save her from her abusive fiancé and re-unite her with the special boy of her dreams. I felt sad for her though. She was in love with someone completely different, someone her own age, yet the man she was marrying could evenhave been her father. They just got married and then went to his house.

I wish I could have gotten to know Adriana more in the two weeks I had been there. I know Biko was reluctant to leave but his father made it clear that he could not stay here if he continued to be a Christian. They practiced Voodoo and it was a part of their everyday life, just as Christianity was for us.

It was also strange to think that Adriana will never be with that boy that she had kissed in the bushes a few nights before. They were in love, but were separated by marriage; the ultimate vow of love. It was all so hard for me to understand. Before I knew it we were driving back to the hotel with his uncle.

We made a point of not making the same mistake as last time. I loved the whole purity thing. It was completely new to me, but I felt better than I had in years. For the first time I felt respected by a member of the opposite sex. Not even my dad wanted to help me preserve my virginity… He was the first one to-. I stopped. I didn't want to go back to those memories, of any memory I wanted to erase, it was that one.


	13. Chapter 12

"Are you nervous for your first day of school?" Biko asked as we walked out the door.

"Yeah! I've never been to a school for more than three months straight…"

"You can do it," Biko replied and squeezed my hand. "I'll be praying for you, Kelsey."

I was so happy that someone would be praying for me that all my worries immediately evaporated, until I reached the school. It looked so much like the last school I was at, it was scary. For some reason I expected my mom to send me to some goody-two-shoes school, but this was far from it. I was scared out of my wits. If I would have been back home, it would have looked like a rebels paradise, now it only looked like a place where I would end up in trouble with the law, and God.

Miss Thomas' Academy, or M.T.A. as the big sign in front said, was huge. It looked like one of those American College campuses' on T.V. There were three towers in back of the main building that said Girls Dorm, Boys Dorm and Co-ed. It definitely didn't look like a high school. I set my mind that I'd get through it.

I entered what looked like the main building and I was blasted with a giant cloud of smoke, and it wasn't only cigarette smoke. In front of me there were about ten kids who stared at me. "Newbie, right?" one of them asked me.

"Uh, no, I'm- My name's Kelsey Anderson, not Newbie."

"I didn't as you what your name was, stupid. Your new right?" he didn't wait for me to answer again. "Look, nobody besides us is allowed to enter the school this way ok? Since you're new… and I think you're hot, we'll let you go, this time." I was stunned. "Use the east door." I backed away.

If it would have been me in Canada I would have stood up to them and asked them for a joint, but this was not me in Canada. I took a breath of fresh air and walked around the campus. Finally I was getting hungry and my bags were heavy so I tried another door, this one was safe. The inside was as beautiful as the outside. I went straight to the main office to ask for directions and to confirm my year here.

"Yes, Miss Kelsey Anderson… Your mother signed you in the Girls Dorm," she looked me up and down suspiciously. "I suppose you'll want to sign-in for the Co-ed dorm; well there are only two more spaces left. How lucky of you to come by this morning! Oh, no worries, you mother won't know about it. _I_ remember how it was like to be young. Now your room will be…"

"Oh, no! I- I don't want to switch into the Co-ed. I'd rather stay in the Girls Dorm, thanks," I replied cutting her off.

"Oh, I see! You're one of those new, up and coming Women's Rights Lesbians. Alright. We have a whole section reserved for you, you'll be in heaven!" she shrieked.

"No, you misunderstand me. I'm not gay," I said quickly, embarrassed that she would think this. "I just don't want to risk being in the same room as a guy… If you know what I mean."

"Mh-hmmm," she hummed. "I see… Well…" she continued on with her mindless chatter until finally she gave me my room number and I moved my stuff upstairs, slowly.

My heart sank when I saw my roommates. There were three other girls in the huge dorm. It was more of an apartment than a dorm. There was one room with four beds in it, each with a little side desk beside it with a lamp. One of the girls was putting up a curtain between her and the next bed. The kitchen was small, but already furnished. My mom was going to come around the next day to bring all the stuff I needed that I couldn't carry with me. There was a list above the sink of all the rest of the appliances needed. I checked off microwave, toilet plunger, and garbage can.

One of the girls was on her bed listening to some very loud music. Let's just say she didn't look like the happiest girl in the world. "Her name's Corrine," said another girl, the one who was fiddling with the curtain. "I'm Tammy. What's your name? I heard that the girl that's in our dorm comes from all the way from Canada. My aunt told me. She works at the main office. You might have noticed the resemblance. Can you believe that? That a girl comes from Canada, that is. Canada! I'm originally from London, London England, that is, not London Ontario. Do you think she'll get confused with the two? Do you suppose she'll think I'm from Canada and start talking French to me? It's across the ocean, London that is, London England. You're new here this year aren't you? Well, then I expect you'll get along enchantingly with the new girl from Canada! You're both new. Where did you say you came from? Ireland? Your hair isn't really red, but maybe you're a mix of something else. Maybe your father is from the Netherlands? Her father sent her here because she was getting in too much trouble, the new girl's father that is. My aunt told me, the one that works at the main office, not the one who lives in Paris. Can you imagine that? Your own father sending you all the way across the world because you were misbehaving?-"

"He did," I interrupted. "I'm from Canada, and I don't speak French." I dumped my bags on the farthest available bed from Tammy.

"Oh," she snorted. "Well, then. What have you done?"

"What?" I asked irritated, getting a headache. Did everyone talk non-stop in this building?

"What's the worst thing you've done? You've had to have done something bad to be sent here, South Africa, that is."

"Nothing that anyone else wouldn't have done; smoked, stolen, done every kind of drug you can think of, slept with all kinds of guys my record is forty years old, but that didn't really count. -" I stopped. Why was I boasting about all my life? That was in the past. "But I don't do that stuff anymore."

"Oh my goodness gracious! Hey, what's your name? In English I mean, not French. You do speak French don't you? I speak a little. Ji prlee une pet of French! We'll be able to converse! How lovely. So what did you say your name was, darling?"

Didn't she listen to anything I said? "Yes… I'm Kelsey Anderson. But like I said I don't speak French and I don't-" she didn't wait until I had finished my sentence but ran out of the room across the hall to chat with another girl, apparently about me. Great, my first day and I've already set a reputation for myself. I set up my stuff and then went to the cafeteria to find Selena and Arielle.


	14. Chapter 13

"We see you've already gotten a name for yourself already," Selena said casually.

"What do you mean?" I asked as I slid into my seat at the lunch table they were sitting at.

"What do you mean, 'what do you mean'? The whole school is talking about you. Maybe five guys have come up to me and asked me for your room number," Arielle said stiffly.

"So far everyone knows you do drugs, smoke, will sleep with anyone. Basically you do anything. "You name it, and Kelsey will do it.", that's the rumour going around."

I groaned. How did people know about me already? I had just told Tammy two minutes ago. "Well it's not like I _tried_ to bring my reputation with me…"

"Well you're not shy to talk about it, that's for sure. Have you told anyone you're a Christian yet?" Arielle stopped to look for an answer. "Didn't think so."

"Look, I- what's wrong with you guys? Just because I've had a bad history doesn't mean I'll do it again."

"Well, whos to say you wno't do it again?" Arielle asked. I ignored her.

"What about you, selena? You were a prostitute-"I said.

"I was not. That was not me. I am a Christian now. I do Christian things… and I don't go blabbing it around! What's wrong with you? It's great that you got know Jesus but now you're saved. You can't go talking about that stuff. I don't think we can hang out any more."

"What?" I practically screeched. "Just because I'm not as perfect as you want me to be, you're not hanging out with me! What happened to loving others and forgiveness?"

"Oh we love you, and forgive you. We just hope God does. We heard what happened at the hotel with Biko. How could you Kelsey?" Arielle said facing me. "None of this would have happened if it wasn't for you. If it wasn't for your manipulative, conniving and devious ways, Biko would still be-. He would still be _pure_, unlike you."

"Wow. Biko and I didn't do anything! Just because he chose me over you it doesn't mean-"

"Biko was meant for Arielle! He didn't _choose_ _you_ over her on purpose. It's all your fault," Selena yelled.

"Selena," I chocked. "I thought we were friends."

"Things change, sweetheart. Now Arielle, we mustn't expect her to understand what loosing ones purity means. She did it so long ago, its nothing new to her." She got up to leave and then turned around. "We will pray for you, Kelsey. Hopefully you will see what you have done and leave us and Biko alone."

I stayed sitting down alone, stunned. What had I done? How had they known about the hotel incident? Only Biko knew about it. Had he told them? Had he lied to them and told them I had made him loose his virginity or something? Had he told them that I had like forced myself on him, or gotten him too drunk to realise what he was doing? Why had he lied? No. Biko would not make something like that up. I was imagining things. I took a deep breath and looked around. A group of very hot guys were walking my way. I quickly stood up and gathered my stuff, ready to leave.

"Hey!" yelled one of the guys who looked like the leader. "Are you Kelsey Anderson?" I spun around.

"Maybe, maybe not."

He smiled. Gosh, that smile hit me right in the stomach and the butterflies entered as if on cue. "You're funny. Look, there's going to be a big dorm party at the Guys Dorm tonight. It's room 245. I wanted to invite you personally. I'm Alex. You down?"

My gut kicked in and I replied. "Well, actually I have a boyfriend."

"Oh, well he can come too, I guess."

"I don't think he'll be able to make it. He goes to South African College."

"He's South African?"

"Yeah. Aren't you?"

"Is he… black?" he asked.

"Yeah…"

Alex gave me a strange look and I heard a few of his friends whisper, "She's dating a neg-" my lungs tightened at hearing the dirty word they called him. "So you're free. Well, you know, I'll be there," Alex continued.

"Well, you know, I won't." I walked away.

I walked as quickly as I could into my dorm. There was Tammy, Corrine and some other girl. I went quickly into the bathroom before anyone could see my tears. Goodness, when had I become such a cry baby? Why was I crying? I was crying because it had been the worst first day of school ever. My boyfriend had betrayed me, my best friends hated me, I knew no one, all the guys in the school were conspiring to get me laid, Alex' friends had called Biko a- a , and then I burst into another fit of tears. At that moment I knew that I truly cared for Biko. It was more that just a crush, so much more. How I wished he could have been there to wipe away my tears one at a time until they were all gone and hold me until I was all better. My life followed me wherever I was! I would never be rid of it. No matter how much I cried, no matter how much I would ask for forgiveness…

I reached clumsily up to the medical cabinet. It was right where I had expected it to be. Gosh, I hadn't done this since I was a junior in high school, but the scars were still there, under my shirt, on my rib cage, right under my bra. I took the razor and quietly sliced twice, that's all it took. I breathed. I used up a whole roll of toilet paper to keep the blood from getting everywhere but I was fixed. I put some more toilet paper and taped it on so that if it started bleeding again, as I knew it would, it wouldn't stain my clothes. I was done. I dried my tears and opened the door to the world, ready to face them.

"You alright?" asked a blond haired girl.

"Yeah. I'm Kelsey."

"Hi, I'm Elise. I heard about-"

"Don't start, please. Don't start. Yes I did all those things, but that's not me now. I'm a Christian, I believe in Jesus, I believe in God, I go to church every Sunday and Friday, I-"

"Cool, me too." I starred at her. "And I wasn't asking you about the rumours."

"You weren't?" She was the first person I had met here, except Corrine but that didn't really count, that didn't ask me about it.

She smiled. "No, I'm a new Christian also. It can be hard, trust me, especially the first few months. I know Selena and Arielle from last year. You guys got in an argument?"

"You could say that."

"Yeah… They can be pretty judgemental and… they're not as perfect as they seem. Everyone has their faults right? It'll get better soon, even if you feel like you want to please God but don't exactly know what you're doing wrong, or you always mess up…" I nodded and I reached up to touch the burning scars on my rib cage. "Don't worry about it, or them. God knows your heart. Don't sweat it." She smiled. "Anyways, were having a Christian Fellowship tonight here, you can stay if your not doing anything else."

"Actually, there's this dorm party at the Guys Dorm I'm thinking about going to," I said. I don't know why I said it. I guess I was looking for a reaction from her, maybe the eyebrows rising, a gasp, something. But her expression didn't change. She didn't think I was a bad person. Maybe that's what got me mad. "Actually yeah, I'm busy tonight. I'm going to have a shower and get ready. Maybe next week I'll come."

"Okay! I'll see you in the morning. Do you think we can go out to breakfast or lunch or something? I'd like to get to know you more, swap tips on being a new Christian," Elise asked.

"I'd love to! See you in the morning." I headed back to the bathroom. I showered and picked out my party clothes. Why hadn't I thrown them out? If Biko saw me in this he would be so ashamed. Maybe that was a good thing. I did look sexy. I hadn't looked like this for a while and it felt so good. How could this be bad? It couldn't and it wasn't that was that. I slipped on my shoes near the door.

"Going to the wild dorm party?" asked Tammy as casually as was humanly possible for her.

"Yeah! I guess your going too..." I replied disappointed.

"I wouldn't miss it for the world! Well maybe for the world. I mean…" she continued talking and we left together with Elise looking after us and Corrine still on her bed listening to her music.


	15. Chapter 14

The music was audible from outside the building. We went inside and true to his word Alex was there; looking better than ever.

"Kelsey! Great, you made it!" he came over. Wow he smelt good. He took my coat and muttered under his breath. "You look great."

We walked over to the drinks table and Tammy left us, thankfully. He handed me a glass of something that looked like beer and I took it. I took a long sip, savouring the moment; I hadn't drunk since the second day I had come to Africa. For me that was a long time. Alex smiled at me.

"Want to dance?" he asked, circling me.

I kissed his cheek affectionately. So we danced. I hadn't remembered dancing with so much zest for a while. I must have been dancing for quite a while. Before I knew what had happened I collapsed on the floor. Alex caught me and brought me to his neighbour's dorm. It was dark and smoky.

"You've taken ecstasy before right?" he asked and handed me a yellow pill with a smiley face on it. I was too exhausted to reject it so I popped it in my mouth and followed it down with a glass of beer. In a few minutes the drug had made its way into my system and I felt it tingling through my veins, into my brain and through my whole body. I can't seem to remember all of what happened but I do remember dancing. Alex and I were one. The music flowed through my veins and then into his. After a while his mouth found mine a few more times then expected and soon we were all over each other.

I don't even know why I did it. I woke up the next morning in his bed. Alex was no where to be found. I swore. Why had I let this happen to me again? I always let myself get into these situations, with little or no effort. I screamed into the pillow but my face hit something. It took a while for my eyes to focus, but when they did I found that there was one red rose (without thorns thankfully or I would have woken up with a scarred face), a note that said "For you, for last night." and two hundred dollars!

Tears fell on the note, and then the anger came. He was treating me like some kind of prostitute! How could I have been so stupid? I tore every petal from that dirty rose, and ripped up the note into a million pieces but kept the two hundred dollars. I dressed and went straight to find Alex.

I found him right where I expected him to be; the student café. "Hey Alex," I said walking right up to him, the two hundred dollars crushed in my hand, yet being repelled like blood money. "Can I talk to you for a minute?" I asked calmly.

"Hey if I didn't give you enough I only have another hundred on hand…" he said quickly under his breath, hoping his friends wouldn't hear.

"I'm not here to make you pay more, on the contrary. Look Alex, I'm not a prostitute. I was only another girl who went to a high school party and took some drugs, accidentally. If it was up to me, and I was in my right mind, I would never have slept with you. So," I said trying to remain composed. "Take the money back. It was all some big mistake."

"So you would never have slept with me unless you were drugged? Am I that ugly?"

"No! You're- Even my boyfriend isn't as good looking as you, and if it was under different circumstances, I would go out with you for sure. I don't like being made to feel like a prostitute."

"But you sleep with guys all the time and never get anything out of it but a reputation. I figured I was doing more for you than any of the other guys ever had done for you... especially since, well I was a virgin."

I couldn't believe it. Not only had I slept with him but I had been the person who helped him lose the one thing that was meant for his wife. "Look…" I said not knowing how to continue. How was I supposed to explain to this guy that he should keep himself for his wife? He would never understand. "The rose was great… But like I said I don't take pay for sex. I'm not a prostitute and if it was under different circumstances nothing would make me happier than to be your girlfriend."

"What do you mean under different circumstances?" he asked. "I love you, I would never hurt you. I'm giving you flowers, money, sex, popularity, love. What else does a girl want? What else can I do to make you happy?"

Tears started to form but I firmly held them back. "You don't love me, we've only said like two sentences to each other." I thought for a moment. Why had I said that he was better then Biko? He wasn't even on the same level as him. Biko was a hundred times better boyfriend that Alex would ever be. "Actually, you know what? I lied. Even under different circumstances I wouldn't go out with you. You are very… attractive, but that's not everything. Flowers, money, sex, and popularity isn't everything. I have the most wonderful boyfriend in the world, who loves me for me, not for my body, and he is a virgin. That is something special. I shouldn't have stolen it from you. In two seconds he can loose it, like you, but not in a million years can you gain it back again. I don't know what possessed me to help you loose yours.What I did last night, that went against my beliefs. I'm not going to be doing it again…" I took a breath then went back on track. "So please take back the money and don't talk to me again. This was all a big mistake." I walked away.

"Hey!" said Elise happily when I entered the dorm. When she saw my eyes she stopped. I headed for the bathroom again without a word. I heard her knocking on the door and trying to talk to me but I ignored her.

I had ended my relationship with Alex and his gang but I still hurt so much. My heart was broken. I had betrayed the only one who had loved me fully, purely. In a way I knew what last night would lead up to, it always led up to that. The weird thing was that I hadn't felt anything. I knew it wasn't the drugs. Had I done it so many times that I had nothing to give away anymore. I was like an empty shell of what used to be. But Biko had seen what I used to be, the good part of me. He had seen the beauty inside even when there was barely anything there.

I was sadfor Alex though. I had stolen the one thing of importance he had. I had done that. For his entire life, even on his wedding day he will remember the first time he lost his virginity, the night where we had slept together. He would be thinking of me instead of his wife. How could God forgive me? I reached up to the medical cabinet again. I sliced five times on my rib cagethis time. I deserved it. But I couldn't stop. Six, seven times, eight times… The cuts kept coming; the blood kept running. Crud! I tried desperately to yank off my top and pants to keep the blood off it. Finally I cut so deep it sprayed on the tiles. The blood leaked down my stomach dripping off my bellybutton ring, one drop at a time, down my legs, off my toes. i was covered in blood.I never knew it came in so many different shades of red. Sometimes it was so clear then it was almost purple. I couldn't keep it in any longer. I yelled, so loudly for so long Elise burst open the locked door. I looked up at her with tears streaming down my face. She ran out for the phone and dialled 911 and I lost consciousness.


	16. Chapter 15

The first face I saw when I awoke was Biko's but I quickly closed them. I didn't want him to see the mark of someone else in my eyes. When I finally opened them my mom and Elise were also in the hospital room. I looked down at my chest under the blankets. My whole torso and stomach was wrapped in bandages. Oh, no. I would have to explain this to everyone.

Why had I done it again? I couldn't remember. I know I had helped Alex loose his virginity and I thought that no one would forgive me, but was that a reason to cut myself up? It wasn't, and now I had to explain why I had been so irrational. They would never trust me again.

I took a deep breath but stopped because it hurt so much. "Hey, take it easy sweetheart," whispered Biko smiling. "How do you feel?"

"Like crap." He smiled but I had to explain. "I'm so sorry Biko! I didn't mean to do it! I mean, I went but I didn't expect it to go that far, really! It was the drugs. I know I shouldn't have taken those either. But I did and it led everywhere at once and-" I said as fast as I could without breaking the stitches.

"Whoa. It's fine. We'll talk about it later alright? Now, you've got to rest. You've lost a lot of blood," he said calmly but I could see the look of confusion on his face. After I had rested and my mother was sure that I was alive and breathing, Elise and she left so Biko and I to talk.

"I guess, it all started because… Selena and Arielle hated me so I was angry."

"What? Why do they hate you?" asked Biko incomprehensibly.

"Did you tell them about what I did in the hotel to you?" I asked in return.

"_You_ didn't do anything to me. I told you already. I wouldn't have stopped, Kelsey. I only told Selena that the kiss went a little too far and it ended there. We didn't do anything."

"Why did you tell her?" I said with my voice raised.

"She's my friend. And I needed to talk to someone about it, that's it."

"Why couldn't you talk to me about it?"

"I just-" he started. "We've already talked about. There's nothing to discuss."

"So you have to go spreading rumours?"

"I wasn't spreading rumours! I was talking to her about how I felt."

"And how do you feel about it?" I asked accusingly. I didn't know why I was so angry at him, he hadn't done anything.

"I don't feel anything," he said defensively.

"You don't feel anything? What did you tell Selena?"

"Nothing!"

"Well it had to be something! She seems to think I've made you loose your purity or something. You don't feel anything about that?"

"Why are you cornering me?"

"Why are you hiding it from me?"

"Why have you been hiding the fact that you chop yourself up in your spare time!" he replied. "That's why we're here in this hospital room isn't it?"

I stopped. "It's the first time since junior high…"

"Why did you do it? And what does this have to do with a party and drugs?" His face was serious but also concerned.

I took another breath and blurted out as fast as I possibly could. "I went to a party, last night. I went with this guy named Alex and we danced. I- I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to happen… I took an ecstasy pill and I wasn't in control… How could I have been so stupid! I did it. I helped him loose his virginity, I cheated on you. I broke God's laws again… that's why I did it. I needed to hurt myself because… because I was punishing myself. I was so stupid, and now I've lost you…."

Biko's eyes were lowered. He swallowed then got up and turned around. "Did you- Did you enjoy it?" his question startled me. There was a huge gap between us, experience.

"I- No. I hated it. The worst part was that he paid me! I just feel so dirty. It was all a big mistake. I never meant to hurt you, or God. I always mess up and get too deep into things and I can't get out." When he didn't reply tears started to come. "Please. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I screwed up big time. I don't know what to do. I'm new at this. I don't know- I don't know how to stop doing all the old things I used to do without a second thought. I don't know how to resist temptation. I've only been Christian for a month."

"You shouldn't _be tempted_ to do the things you used to do!" he said a little louder than he expected to. "I know… you're new. I'll call you tomorrow." With that, the love of my life left my hospital room not even giving me a second glance. I hated myself for ruining everything I had ever cherished. Would he call me tomorrow? I didn't know. I was just confused, so confused. Was I some psychotic freak that was too depressed to live with myself, or my actions? No! I was still me, Kelsey Anderson. But who was she? Was she the wild girl, or the Christian girl, the child of some sort of a savage party, of the child of God?

I was permitted to leave the hospital the next day, exactly a week before the first day of classes. Despite my pleas, mom signed me up for weekly sessions with a physiatrist at least for a few months. I guess I was thankful, maybe I did need it. The morning that I was let out I went out for breakfast with Elise at the best restaurant in town; Mc Donald's.


	17. Chapter 16

I told Elise everything. I told her everything about the dorm party, I told her about Arielle and Selena. I told her about Biko. I told her about the cutting, I told her about the helpless feelings, and I told her about being a Christian.

"I guess I thought it was going to be easier, since I have God to talk to all the time," I explained.

"Well are you talking to Him about this stuff?" I shook my head. "Well, talk to Him about it. He likes hearing about your life, including your struggles."

"It's just embarrassing… I mess up so much, you know."

"God is a God of mercy. He sees your heart. If you ask for forgiveness and you mean it, you will be forgiven, and your sins will be forgotten. Just remember God is always watching, not just your actions but your mind. He knows when you've done something wrong and so do you. Just as He knows when you do something good, even when no one else acknowledges it."

We continued on like this for a long time. Then I went back to the dorm. In a few days I went to class. I took things one day a time. A week past, then another, and another and Biko still hadn't called. I had called and left a message on his answering machine saying that if he wanted to talk to me to call but he hadn't. I prayed about it a lot, but still no word from him. Finally Christmas came and I packed up to go home for the holidays. I had to get Elise to unplug my phone and hide it from me to keep me from calling Biko. Why hadn't he called? Was he that angry with me? Did this mean we weren't going out anymore, or just that we were in a fight? He had probably found some other pretty Christian girl at his school. Tears came to my eyes as my mom came to pick me up.

"You okay, Kels?" Asked my mom.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I replied and chucked my things in the trunk. "Have you heard from Biko?"

"Yeah I have. He won't be coming home for Christmas this year. He said he needed to stick in some extra studying time, it's his last year before University, you know."

"Yeah… I know," I said flatly.

"Is everything going all right between you two?"

"Yeah, we just had a fight after I told him about-" I stopped, my mom didn't know about Alex or the party. She only knew that I had cut myself because I thought I had ruined Biko's purity at the hotel that night. "About Selena and stuff…"

"Oh… How are you doing with your purity lately?" my mom asked so casually I almost answered her right off the bat about Alex. How did she know about all that stuff? I decided to play it innocent.

"Mom! I'm not some kind of-"

"I was just asking… I'm not as old fashioned as you think. I _do remember_ what it was like in high school."

I didn't answer. I was still distraught over the fact that Biko wasn't going to be around for the holidays. Maybe it was just because he was busy, or maybe he was just avoiding me.

I sighed as I entered my room. I remembered the first day I had gone into this room. The first thing I had done was light a cigarette. I thought back to the first time I had smoked. I was in fifth grade, I was young. I thought I was much older than I really was. My dad had business partners over for the weekend and they had brought their sons. They were all much older than me; I think one of them was about fifteen years old.

Martin Colbert was his name. He was the son of Mr Walter Colbert, my father's best friend since grade seven, and Mrs Anita Colbert, my father's mistress since grade seven. He had cheated on his best friend since the beginning of high school and no one had noticed. She would come over almost every weekend. I still didn't understand how Walter never suspected anything, or my mother for that matter. I still don't think she knows. No one knows. No one knows about the lies.

Dad was really good at that. He would hide things only I would know about. No one suspected anything. They still don't know about what he did to me… I don't know why he needed me when Anita came over all the time. Why did he need me like that? What had I done?

I flopped on my bed, my head buried in my pillow. But it hit something, a note. This had been the second time I had hit my face on a piece of paper on my bed recently… My heart flopped over on its side when I read who it was from; Biko.

_Kelsey, _

_I guess you know by now that I'm not going to be around for Christmas. I won't beat around the bush… I realise you have some stuff to work out, so I think it would be better if we didn't see each other for a while._

My heart stopped.

_I don't think that us being toogether is going to work out._

_Biko_.

I let out a frustrated sigh, again. I had really done it this time. How could I have been so idiotic! I disregarded the only person of worth in my miserable life, for some guy who didn't even care! So that was it, Biko and I had broken up. Why were things so messed up! I thought I had come to Africa to get away from complicating situations, but since I had come here, I had been broken again and again. Back in Canada my life wasn't always a picnic, I did things I didn't want to, but at least it was predictable. To me it was stable. It had been the same all my life.

Since I had become a Christian my life had been turned upside down and shaken to and fro. Everything was different. I took a deep breath to try and stable myself. It may not be easy but it's worth it. I think.

I took out the Christian rock c.d. Biko had given me and blasted it. Why was it so hard to believe sometimes? Couldn't He just have made it easy? Easy? No. Kelsey Anderson was not a quitter. I did not just stop because it was hard. "_All things _work together for good for those who love the Lord." Romans 8:28. I just had to keep reminding myself of that.


	18. Chapter 17

hehe. i enjoy tormenting u Lin. lol. it makes me feel like im doin a good job writing. :)

* * *

I woke up to the smell of pancakes and bacon. It was so weird to have a Christmas tree without snow outside. It wasn't snowing but I was surprised at how cold it had gotten. I was having my first Christmas as a Christian and the first that I could remember with my mom. I would have been perfectly happy if it wasn't for Biko.

Why couldn't this be like a book? If my life would have been like a book, I would go out for a walk outside and Biko would meet me and he would apologise for dumping (who dumps their girlfriend in a letter)! He would beg for forgiveness. I would be weakened by his gorgeous face and I would give him another chance. If this were something from a book, we would live happily ever after and get married.

Mom dropped a plate in the kitchen and I snapped back to reality. "Sorry!" she called apologetically. "Great, that last of them…"

"The last of what?" I asked as I entered the kitchen. My mom looked up with tears in her eyes.

"The last of the plates I brought from Canada."

"Oh," I replied shocked by her answer, she had left Canada more than fifteen years ago. "Do you, do you ever miss it?"

"Oh, Kelsey… Everyday. From the moment I left you I've missed you and all of Canada. I miss the luxury living on a concrete road, of a shower with a stable water supply, of traffic lights, of skyscrapers… Despite what your father may have told you, I was deeply and truly in love with him. Did he ever tell you how we met?"

"No… He doesn't talk about you very much. I barely knew you existed until a few years ago." As soon as the words left my mouth I regretted them, they only hurt her more.

But she smiled as she attempted to reconstruct the piece of the plate. "I may be able to save it. With a little bit of glue it'll be alright… I've got to admit to you, I wasn't the most Christian girl you've met. Goodness, I wasn't. I hosted _all_ the dorm parties in college. I guess you can guess what happened. It's simple really. I met your father at a party. At first he was just another boyfriend but then I realised he was a keeper. He was really sweet in the beginning; kept brining me flowers and little chocolates in one of those heart boxes on Valentines Day…" she pushed out another smile.

"A real gentleman. Then one day, I got pregnant. He didn't believe it. He said I had cheated on him, but he eventually came along and after you were born we got married. Like I said, he was the perfect gentleman, until it wasn't easy. He had to quit school to work but we survived. Life was hard, I mean, we were two eighteen year old kids raising a baby on minimum wage. Lots of yelling and fighting went on. It became my fault for ruining his life. It only got worse when I became a Christian."

"Why did you leave me?" I asked quietly. I had to know… All these years, wondering why I didn't have a mom like the rest of my friends did. Wondering why my mom had left me with a monster of a father.

It took a while for her to answer. "I guess… I was running away." She sighed. "I never wanted a child. I don't know why I didn't give you up for adoption. Maybe that would have been better then leaving you to be raised by your father. I guess, I thought if I left you, he would just put you in a foster home, or you'd end up being sent to one. I thought I'd be too busy here to take care of a kid… It was selfish of me. I'm sorry…"

"It's fine," I said. But deep inside I knew it wasn't. I was no satisfied with her answer. How could that have been it? She just didn't want to take care of me? She thought I'd be put into foster homes anyways, so she left that up to my dad?

She took a deep breath and blinked. "Well! Are you up for some Christmas cookies?" she asked as if nothing was wrong.

"Sure," I said giving her a weak smile. All of the sudden I thought I heard the sound of the front door open and someone coming into the kitchen. I looked up. There he stood. My heart skipped a beat again but then fell back into the pit of my stomach when I remembered we had broken up. "Biko," my voice croaked. My mother stood up and took Biko into a warm embrace.

"Well," she coughed, looking from him to me. "Um, I'll go check on those cookies! You better not leave without some, Biko," she said and I left the room.

"I just came to get a few more things from my room. I'll take a few cookies and I'll be out," Biko said quickly looking in my direction. My mother returned into the kitchen with me.

"Hey," she said coming next to me. "So you two broke up huh?"

"Yeah…" I muttered close to tears.

"It seems to me that you both are sad. What happened?"

I sighed. "I just made a mistake and I'm really sorry about it, but I don't think he can ever forgive me."

"A big one?"

"Massive," I replied, loosing hope. "So now he hates me. I don't know what I'm going to do, mom. Coming here and meeting you two is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I don't know how I'm going to be able to deal with him not talking to me. He'll never be able to forgive me…"

She smiled. "Don't worry about it, Biko is a smart boy, soon enough he'll realise how much he misses you."

"I wouldn't count on it…"

My mom went into Biko's room to give him the cookies and help him out with the stuff. Pretty soon they came out and our eyes locked, but he was the first to look away.

"So, you two have called it quits huh?" she asked him outside, next to his truck.

"Yeah."

"You miss her?"

"Yeah."

"I know she's sorry," my mom said quietly.

Biko's back stiffened. "She cheated on me, and did some stuff that she shouldn't have. If it were up to me, maybe I would forgive her… maybe. But she hurt God more, and I don't think she's sought His forgiveness. I'm just waiting, that's all."

"Have you asked her about asking God's forgiveness?"

"No."

"Hmm… Well all I know is that in the beginning, I wasn't happy with you two. But now I see how different Kelsey is with you. You've done her a world of good."

"She's been good for me. I mean, I would never have thought of all the questions she did about God when she came here. I've never read so much of my Bible in my life," he smiled. "She had this thing that she would do with the corner of her eyebrow when she wouldn't understand what I was saying. It would twitch, just slightly and then she would smile as if she understood everything, when she really didn't."

"Well I'm sorry it hasn't worked out…I'm sure you two will be fine apart."

"Ms. Anderson?" he asked quickly.

"Yes?" she said turning around.

"Can you- can you tell her, I'll call her soon."

"Sure, sweetheart."

But he didn't. A whole two weeks had come and gone, and soon it was time to go back to school, which was a big let down because I had been feeling really sick lately. I think I was coming down with the flu or something. But before I got back to school, I had to call him to make things right. After the third ring his room mate picked up the phone and passed it to him. "Hello?" his strong voice sounded on the other end.

I faltered and then took a deep breath. "Hey! It's Kelsey… Look, I'm sorry! I was stupid. I'm an idiot, okay? I messed every single thing up. I really did it this time. Please, I can't stand you not talking to me. I know I did the worst thing imaginable. Please, I'm begging you… Don't be mad at me forever."

He didn't answer.

"But for now you are…" I continued.

He sighed. "You really hurt me, Kelsey. Whenever I look at you… I see him. The weird thing is; I still like you. I don't know why because at the same time I hate you! I'm still mad at you. I don't know when I'll be able to forgive you. Not only did you cheat on me, but you went farther than that! You broke one of God's most important rules, Kelsey! You hurt Him as well."

"I know I did! I asked Him to forgive me, and He has," I replied.

"Maybe He has, but I'm still healing. I don't know. Maybe _I_ still have some stuff to workout with Him. All I know is I can't forgive you," he said his voice becoming strict and solemn.

I let out a small breath. "Yeah… Well… You know my number. Just remember, I'm still yours and God's. I'm not going to see anyone else."

"Don't say that."

"Why not?"

" 'Cause I don't know if I'll wait until I can forgive you. Maybe it's better for both of us to move on."

His statement caught me off guard. "So you're really breaking up with me?" I asked, as if I hadn't gotten his note.

"Well technically you broke up with me when you had sex with _him_," Biko said and it cut me with a thousand knives.

"I said I was sorry!" before I could continue I heard a click on the other line.


	19. Chapter 18

The next day, Elise had come over and we went out for lunch, a habit we'd made over the past few months. I told her about Biko but she didn't seem to be her old bubbly encouraging self. I was going to get mad at her but stopped and decided to find out why she was so spaced out.

"What's wrong?" I finally asked her.

"Huh? Oh, nothing," was her blank reply.

"Are you sure? I mean, yesterday my mom grew long ears and a bushy white tale."

"It'll be alright," Elise replied not even noticing what I had just said.

"Elise! Earth to Elise! I just told you my mom turned into a rabbit and you didn't even blink."

"Oh, sorry."

"So are you going to tell me what's wrong?"

"Okay, don't totally kill me for this…Last night, I had a dream. You, me and someone else was in it."

"Who?" I asked casually interested.

"God."

"You saw God in your dream?"

"Not really. He was more of just a voice but He was still kind of there because He hugged you. Anyway, that's not the point…" she sighed shaking her head slightly. "I know it was just a dream but I have to ask you, have you taken a pregnancy test?"

"What? No! I'm not pregnant, Elise." I almost laughed. The thought of me be pregnant startled and even went as far as to amuse me.

"You don't know that! I mean, you said yourself you haven't been feeling well in the _mornings_," she faltered. "It could be morning sickness."

"I know I'm not pregnant. I've done it before and I haven't gotten pregnant," I said as if this was a reasonable answer.

"It's not just that, you could get a disease!"

"He was a virgin."

"He could still have had aids from birth or something... What if you are pregnant? What will you do then?"

"I'll just have an abortion," I said too quickly.

"That's murder."

I sighed and remembered that this was another reason I didn't like Christians before I became one. "For the nine months that it's in the womb it's not even called a baby. All it is a whole bunch of cells clumping together and multiplying. Almost like an extension to the woman's body for a brief period of time."

"Just because it's attached to the woman's body it doesn't mean it's not a human itself. God has a plan for everyone's life, even the unborn children."

"Whatever. I'm not pregnant," I said trying to brush off the subject, but deep, deep down I think I knew without a doubt that my life was about to change, forever.

"Please, just, let's go to the pharmacy and take the test. It could have been just a dream anyway," she said getting up with me.

"With God in it?" I whispered under my breath but she heard and took my hand.

Elise wanted me to call my mom and ask her to come with us but I rejected the idea. If I wasn't pregnant, I didn't want her knowing I had betrayed her trust, again.

We rushed in and out with the tests in three minutes flat. Then we headed in to the nearest restroom and I locked myself in the stall.

"And?" whispered Elise outside the stall after a few minutes. I unlocked the door and passed the five strips to her. I wanted to be sure it would work.

"You tell me, I can't look," I replied. It was ironic, but if I was harbouring another human being inside of me, I didn't want to be the first to know.

"Let me in," she said after a few seconds. I unlocked the door and gazed upon her tear stained face. "It's positive."

"No! Oh God, please no!" I yelled and then collapsed on the floor crying. "It was just a mistake! You were supposed to forgive me, not let me get pregnant!" Elise shrunk down beside me. This could not be happening. People like me did not just get pregnant. We stayed there for an hour, just crying. Then I turned to her and whispered, "What am I going to do?"

"I can't tell you what to do, but telling your mom might be a good start."

* * *

dum, dum,dum... the plot thickens lol. yea i rly like this chapter cause its like the exactpoint where she finds out that her life's gunna change. yea. Thnx for the reviews:)


	20. Chapter 19

"You're what?" my mom breathed. Elise had driven me back home to break the news to her. "No… how? Was it Biko!"

"No!" I started but she cut me off.

"How could this happen? Are you sure?"

"Yes, mom, I'm sure."

"Why did you do this? What possessed you to actually go out and do this?"

"Well it wasn't planned!"

"From the time you stepped off that plane I knew you had been a mistake to keep. That's all you ever were and ever will be, just a trashy, heathen, whore who can't get a hold of herself and get her life together! What is wrong with you?"

"What's wrong with me? What is wrong with you? You preach the gospel to thousands of people, but somehow you can't even show a little compassion to your own daughter because I don't fit you're perfect Christian mould! You're not exactly around all the time."

"Don't go blaming this on me. This is your mistake. You're ruining your life and I'll have no part of it. So you better get yourself a job and a husband soon."

"I'm giving it up for adoption," I whispered. The abortion line hadn't really worked wonders on Elise.

"Oh are you? Let me tell you something. Can you just give up a child that you will be carrying for nine months inside of you, a child that you've been feeding, keep safe and warm, talked to, that recognises your voice, just like that? Can you really go through all the pains of child birth and then look at it in the eye and give it to the nice woman in a black suit at the adoption agency? It's not as easy as it looks kiddo!" Tears started flowing freely from her eyes and then she turned around and closed the front door behind her.

I tried to breathe and then stumbled into my bed and cried myself to sleep. That week I was like a zombie at school. Everyone noticed that I wasn't myself but I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone. I cried until I fell asleep every night and Elise would bring me supper and breakfast in bed. Tammy was the most curious of all. She thought that I regretted saying no to Alex but I just told her to bug off.

After the first month after I had told mom, I woke up and was all cried out. I had been gaining weight slowly as well as an appetite. What had I expected, that she would welcome us with open arms? Us… who was us? 'Us' was the baby and I. I sat up and felt something flutter in my stomach. I held my breath but then let it out quickly; after all, the baby got its oxygen from me.

"Elise!" I half yelled.

"What is it? Are you okay?" she asked groggily from beside my bed.

"I felt it!" I breathed.

"Really?" she sat up as well.

"Yes. Do you think it's a girl or boy?"

"Girl," Elise said with confidence. "But then maybe it's a boy."

"Fifty bucks says it's a boy," I said just as confidently.

"Yeah right, you don't even have fifty bucks in cash on you right now!"

I looked down. "Your right, heck I don't even have twenty on me right now. Maybe my mom was right. Alex doesn't even know yet…"

"When are you going to tell him?" she asked, all excitement evaporated.

"Right now."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes." I got dressed, my pants barely fit anymore. I needed a new wardrobe. I didn't even know how I was supposed to afford that let alone baby food, clothes, shoes, diapers, furniture, or a car seat. There was so much stuff to buy and do. "But before I go, I think I feel like some ice cream and ketchup."

"Gross! Toogether?" Elise asked surprised.

"Yeah…"

"You don't even like Ketchup."

"I know… I must be pregnant," I smiled. I was pregnant. There was another human being living inside me. After _our_… special breakfast, I asked Elise to stay behind and I left for his dorm.

I walked right up to his room and knocked on the door, someone opened it and I wave of memory flushed over me. For a few seconds I didn't even notice who answered the door until a harsh voice came "Can I help you?" the girl asked. I looked at her. She was wrapped in Alex' bed sheets and then Alex came to the door.

"Kelsey!" he said in surprise. "What are you doing here? I thought you never wanted to see me again."

"I didn't… Look, I'm sorry, I'll come back later."

"No! It's alright. I was just leaving. He's all yours," the girl said casually and went back in.

"Big party last night," Alex explained. "She's not my girlfriend."

"Oh," I said flatly. He was so arrogant!

"See ya around," she said and trotted off.

"Ok…," I said not sure if she was talking to me or Alex.

He smiled and the butterflies entered. At that moment I remembered Biko and my eyes filled with tears. _He_ didn't even know about the baby. The baby. It was weird to think that I, of all people, was going to have a baby. I still wasn't used to the idea.

How could I have been happy about it this morning? This was a horrible thing! Alex' smile vanished and his face was filled with concern. "What's wrong? Look, you said you never wanted to see me again. It's not like I could have waited for you forever, even when you rejected me. I am human. I won't call her again if you don't want me to." He came closer to me and kissed me, gently. I pushed away. Gosh, Satan was sure tempting me. At that moment my body was telling me to forget about telling him and just take him in my arms, but I knew it was just the enemy so I rebuked him under my breath and I knew what I had to do.

"Remember that first night, at the Dorm party?" I asked, knowing the answer but not knowing how else to start up the conversation.

"Yeah, it was the best night of my life," he said putting his head to one side, obviously trying to get me to put my guard down.

"We'll it was the worst night of mine, because we made a stupid mistake."

"You're right. The drugs were stupid. I haven't done that since a few weeks ago."

His arrogance really got to me. "I wasn't talking about the drugs Alex… I mean, that was also a dumb mistake but… we made another one and now, I'm pregnant."

"What?"

"And, I know for sure, you're the father."

"I'm- I'm going to be a dad?"

"I'm hoping… I'm begging you to be a part of this baby's life. I know that it won't be easy or anything but I need help. I can't take care of a baby and I don't have the money to buy it the things it needs. You don't need to be around all the time, just help me out in the beginning-" He took my face in his hands.

"This is going to sound crazy," he got down on one knee. "I want to be a part of this baby's life. I- I want to be with you and help you. Kelsey Anderson, will you marry me?"

I was taken aback. I had expected him to yell and scream, as my mother did or be reluctant to help or tell me to abort it or something, but he seemed happy about all this. I thought about what he had just asked me. I was about to say yes, because, well, that's what everyone does in these situations but I thought of our wedding. The person who was at the altar in my mind was not Alex, it was Biko. I knew that to be married you had to be in love, I knew that from my mother.

"Alex… I'm so sorry. I can't."

He pushed out a laugh. "Why not?"

"I'm in love with someone else," I said simply.

"You're in love with someone else," Alex said as if the concept of love had only just come into his mind. "Then why didn't you just ask him to take care of your kid!"

"Because it's _our_ child!"

"God!" he said and swore. He sat on his bed. "Fine. I just offered to help, but I can see that you don't really want it. Call me when you're desperate."

I turned around. _Well, Jesus, I did my job. I told him. Now how come you're not holding up your end of the deal? How am I going to live and give life to this baby alone?_

"Kelsey!" came a voice behind me. I turned back around. "I didn't mean it!Look, I still love you. I just want you to know that. I've loved you ever since I saw you and I guess I just didn't know how to tell you."

I looked at him. He would never change. I don't think he really expected me to walk away from him. "The only reason you love me is because you think I'm hot."

"Well you are," he said. He disgusted me.

"Don't you realise that there's more to life than sex and pleasure! When you die, all those things will be gone! You have nothing after death, nothing."

"Whatever, I don't believe in the hereafter."

"Just because you don't believe in it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist!" I said desperately trying to convince him. If he was going to be the father of my baby I wanted him to at least be open to God.

"Fine. Look, I thought you came here about the baby _you_ are having. When's it due?"

"May."

"Have you told the Principal yet?"

"No…"

"Okay, because you know as soon as you start to show you'll have to leave school."

"Oh yeah. I'm four months into it, so that'll be soon," I said reluctantly. Where would I stay? Mom didn't want me anymore… _Please God, I need your help more than ever. Stuff is so messed up. _In the end, we decided that half the expenses were going to be covered by him. I highly doubted that he would come through though.


	21. Chapter 20

Elise slammed down a book on my nightstand. "What is it?" I asked.

"It's an 'Everything You Need to Know and Do When You're a Teen Mom' book. You better read this, it cost me forty dollars! You think they would make it cheaper to get for teen moms." Then she looked at me. "Kelsey, you're due in five months and you're still not prepared. You- you don't even know where you'll be living."

"I know, Elise, I know. I've gotten a job at the restaurant down the street. I've been working double shifts since last weekend."

"It's not just that! You need to go see a doctor."

"It's like, I've been dreaming and pretty soon I'll wake up and I won't be pregnant anymore, you know?"

"But you are," she continued. "and you need to get ready to bring this baby into the world."

"I know, I know," I whispered. "I'm pregnant."

"Look, I've gotten you an appointment tomorrow after school… I can go with you, if you want."

"Thanks."

"No problem."

"No," I said and took her hand. "Thank you, Elise, for everything. You -- you've been more than a friend to me."

"I am," she replied smiling. "I'm you sister in Christ. What else am I supposed to do?" I hugged her and that night thanked God with all my heart for her.

We walked into the clean smelling doctors' office the next day and confirmed my appointment. "Hi. I'm Kelsey Anderson; I have an appointment to see Dr. Gangee today at four o'clock." I told the mean looking woman at the desk. I told her I was a Canadian citizen and handed her my medical card.

"Yes…," she replied looking me up and down. When I handed it to her and she turned to her assistant and whispered with a raised eyebrow, "Only seventeen… It'll be a dead end for her life…" She turned back to me and said in a dry voice, "The doctor will see you when it's you're turn."

I went back with Elise and looked around us. The office was pretty empty except for a girl and another couple. I imagined what their life was like. It reminded me of a game I used to play with my friends when I was little, at the mall. We would follow someone around and try and imagine what their age was, who they were buying for and what their home life was like.

From the looks it, the woman looked like she was about twenty-four. She was wearing a nice yellow flowered sundress. She was just married, about two years ago, and they had been trying for a child ever since. He looked like he loved her very much. He had his arm around her and her head lightly rested on his strong shoulder. She still wore her engagement ring as well as her wedding ring. She looked like she was about to explode, she was so far into her pregnancy. They both looked very happy. I smiled but then my gaze fell upon the girl sitting in the corner, alone.

Wow, she was young. Not any older than thirteen. She was an awkward girl, her red hair falling around her shoulders, freckles threatening to devour her face and arms, with braces forcing her mouth to remain slightly open. She wasn't showing yet though. Her eyes were a bright blue but I could tell she had seen things she shouldn't have and her pain was obvious. Her eyes were faintly red, showing she had been crying. "I'll be right back," I told Elise.

"Where you going?" she asked.

"Nowhere. I'll be back," I replied and stepped across the waiting room to sit next to the girl. "Hi. Mind if I sit here?" I said tentatively. She didn't move her gaze from the floor and it was only then that I saw her hearing aid. I gently touched her shoulder and repeated what I had said. She looked up hesitantly, shook her head and tried to give me a weak smile. "How far along are you?" I asked trying my best to mouth the words.

"Four months," she said. "You?"

"Five," then I thought of something. I had learnt sign language years ago but I still remembered how to spell my name so I pointed to myself and signed, "Kelsey". Her face lit up. "What's your name?"

"Alex."

How ironic was that! "My baby's father's name is Alex," I said.

"My baby's father is my foster father," she said boldly, setting her face waiting for my reaction. Her statement startled me. Then I was thrust back into my own memories of my father.

There was me at three years old, in my closet. He would be home soon. I heard the car door close and heard his yells come into my room. He pulled me out of the closet and yelled things I didn't understand. He picked me up and slapped my face.

I fast forwarded five years. There was me trembling in my bed. Maybe he wouldn't come home today. Maybe he would decide to go over to his girlfriend's house instead. I heard the car door slam. I heard his drunken laughter down the hall. I pulled the covers tighter around me. But he didn't stay away that night. He never stayed away. The next morning, before he woke up, I took an extra long shower. I scrubbed and scrubbed until I bled. That morning I put on an extra layer of makeup. Hopefully they all won't see what he had done.

"Alexandria Carman!" said the voice on the loud speaker and I was yanked back to reality. Alex got up when the doctor came forward but turned back to smile at me. I numbly walked back to sit with Elise.

"What's up?" asked Elise.

"She was raped, by her foster dad," I said, disgusted.

"How old is she?" she asked.

"I don't know. Thirteen maybe."

"Gosh, guys who take advantage like that just make me mad."

"Yeah… me too."


	22. Chapter 21

Alright. Hello, Kelsey!" said Dr Gangee. I was glad she was not like the secretary. "Who's your loyal friend here?"

"This is Elise."

"Well, you're very lucky to have such a friend as Elise who would accompany you. I just finished with a girl much younger than you who came with no one."

"Yeah, I met her…" I said.

She smiled sympathetically at me. "Now, contrary to what people must have told you, this is not the end of your life. Yes, it is the end of your life as you know it, but not the end. Alright, for today I'm just going to do a complete physical examination and then I'll send you off to do an ultra-sound," she said and led me to the little table with white paper on it. "Do you have an idea of how far along you are?"

"Yeah, about twenty-one weeks."

"Alright. By now all its organs are developed excluding the lungs. It can even recognise your voice," she smiled and continued to give me the check up. "There is no _major_ damage to any of your vital organs. I think there's a big chance you're carrying a healthy baby. Now, I'm going to prescribe you some multivitamins. I want you to take one every morning, without fail. The baby needs lots of extra vitamins, especially since it hasn't had them in its first months in the womb. From now on, I'm sorry to say, no more junk food or anything unhealthy until it's born. As much as possible, no strenuous activity but I would recommend some gentle exercising such as yoga, walking, or swimming. Don't just sit around at home. Take absolutely no other medicine besides the vitamins, unless it's approved by me. That means no pain killers, or even cold or flu medicine. Don't start up the habit of smoking, drinking, or drugs again during your pregnancy and if your going to breast feed also. Understood?"

"What do I do for the pain and stuff?" I asked.

"Well, pregnancy is no picnic but I would recommend lots of crackers, chicken noodle soup, water, and warm baths. Anything else?" She said in the way only doctors can.

"I'm alright for now," I said confidently and looked over at Elise who was writing everything down.

She gave me a slip of paper and sent me down the hall to the ultrasound room. In a few minutes I was looking at my child's hands and feet. "Would you like to know if it's a boy or girl?"

"Yes," I replied and looked at Elise in anticipation.

"It's a boy."

I looked at his ten tiny finger and ten tiny toes, his two feet and arms and fell completely in love. "I'm going to keep him," I told Elise as I left the office.

"Are you sure, Kelsey? I mean, this isn't just a doll or a pet or something, he's a human being."

"I know that!" I took a deep breath. "I know… Just because I got pregnant that doesn't mean I'm completely brainless."

"I didn't mean it like that."

I sighed. "Yeah... The thing is; I got myself into this. I'm not just going to back down and give him up and go on with my life."

"Kels, you heard what the doctor said. It'll be the end of your life as you know it. You'll never be able to be a teenager again. If you give him away to a family that really wants him, you can go on with your life and so can he. Can you really provide a good home life for him? You can barely afford to take care of yourself."

I pushed out another frustrated sigh and tried to defend my cause. "I'm working! I've been saving up and if I quit school I'll be able to save on books and stuff. Plus I'll be able to work more. My mom did it!"

"With a husband who didn't even love her! They were working on two salaries just to support you and look how you turned out, making the same mistake! Do you want your son to make the same?" she told me.

I stared at her. "No! Just… No, okay? What mother wants their child to have to go through this? I'm not planning on helping him get someone pregnant!"

"Well, I don't think your mom planned you out either!"

"Elise! I don't even know why were discussing this! It's not your decision. Stop trying to control my life!" she looked down and sighed. I calmed myself and then said, "You really think I should give it up for adoption, don't you?"

"Yes. You're only seventeen. You are my _best friend_; I don't want this to ruin your life. You're not even an adult yet. You don't have your driver's license. You don't have a credit card," her voice cracked. "You're not even married, yet. You just got your own life back on track, Kels. How do you expect to make sure your child doesn't make the same mistakes you did?"

"I don't know." I was quiet for a few minutes and then asked. "Do you think God still loves me?"

"Yes, He still loves you…" she said quietly.

"Good, because I would never be able to get through this if He didn't."


	23. Chapter 22

I dragged my feet down the street. It was February and it was already starting to get warm outside. I rubbed my stomach, there was a baby boy growing inside there. Finally we arrived outside our dorm. "Hey, you go ahead, I think I'm going to take a walk."

"You sure?" Elise asked suspiciously.

"I'll be up soon." I turned around and went outside. I walked up to the pay phone and took it in my hands. I wasn't really going for a walk. I just didn't want anyone hearing my phone conversation, as everyone always did, especially Tammy. After a few second thoughts I dialled. "Mom? Can I talk to you for a minute?"

She was silent but then let out a breath.

I continued but despite my tries, tears ran fluently down my cheeks. It seemed like I was always crying lately. "I'm sorry, mom… If I could redo… actually _all_ my life, I would. This time, I'm really sorry. I need your help."

"Kelsey, you got yourself into this. You think you're old enough to have sex well then you're old enough to live without your mother and take care of your child without me."

"I'm going to keep him and raise him by myself. I just want you there to talk to. I don't know anyone else who's had a baby … I don't know what to do."

"Neither did I, but I did it. Does Biko know?"

"No," I replied. "I don't want him to know, yet."

"Well, Kelsey, I'm sorry for you. I have to go now. I've been making arrangements for you to leave Africa soon. You need to go home."

"No! Please mom! Africa _is_ my home!" I started to panic. "Don't make me go back… I'm begging you."

"You have to…Goodbye Kelsey."

I sniffled. "Goodbye, mom. I love you…"

"I don't love you right now." Her response only made me cry harder.

"Will you love me tomorrow?" I almost whispered.

"Goodbye," was her only answer. Somehow I knew that all our hard work at getting to know each other had gone down the drain, never to come back up again. I hung up the phone in disgust went into a bathroom stall in the student Cafe, sat down on the toilet and cried. I remembered what Elise had said about telling God about my problems so I gave it a try.

_Ok, you want to hear how bad my life is going right now? So here it is, in a nutshell. Mom hates me! I still don't have enough cash stashed up to buy the baby diapers or clothes let alone an apartment. I have nowhere to stay when I can't go to school anymore. Elise wants me to give the baby up for adoption. Biko is still mad at me and I'm pregnant! Why aren't you helping me? Probably because I didn't ask…_

I was surprised how the answer to my question came so easily and so fast. _God? I need help, from anyone. Just please send someone. Help me be able to find the money to raise this baby boy in the way You want him to be raised._ Then I knew everything was going to be okay. God still loved me. I remembered a verse that had come up in the Christian fellowship that morning. "All the ways of the Lord are faithful for those who keep his laws." Psalm 25:10.

When I got up to my room the two people I least expected to be there, were. "Biko!" I said and ran to him but stopped when I realised who was standing next to him. "What are _you_ doing here, Alex?"

"I came up here and met..." he said giving Biko the dirtiest look ever.

"His name's Biko," I said giving Alex a matter of fact look.

"Whatever. Anyways, I just wanted to see if we could go out to supper or something, in honour of _our_ baby."

I sighed. "Why are you going out to supper? Why aren't you saving up? You can't just throw a twenty at my doorstep whenever you don't feel like spending it. Besides, just because you're going to have a relationship with the baby it doesn't mean, you have to have one with me. You can go now," I told him.

"Fine, I'll call you later." He leaned forward to kiss me but I turned so his lips fell on my cheek and I stepped back.

"Don't bother. Just use the money to buy some diapers or something," I replied.

"So, that's Alex?" asked Biko uncomfortably when he had gone.

"Um, yeah, that's him."

"The famous Alex? The one who was a virgin before meeting you and the one who got you pregnant?" he continued. Then I remembered that Biko had no idea I was pregnant, until now. He saw my face and said, "Why didn't you tell me, Kelsey?"

"I don't know. I was going to. You were still mad at me and…" I started but he cut me off.

"I want to help. Look at you, you're all worn out. Just because I had some stuff to work out with God, it doesn't mean you have to keep things from me." He hugged me close. "Promise me you won't ever do anything like this again?"

"I already told you. I'm not having sex until I'm married."

"Not that, well that too but, promise me you won't not tell me anything again, okay?"

"I promise," I said and melted in his arms.

His watch beeped. "Seven o'clock," he said quietly. I remembered that the night at the hotel, one of the things we had promised each other was not to stay with each other past seven _if_ we weren't in a public place. It was kind of like our personal curfew to keep ourselves in line. "You should get some sleep or something. Can I call you later?"

"Anytime," I smiled at him. "Before you leave, why did you come here in the first place?"

"To apologise." He kissed my cheek and left. I ignored Tammy's constant please to find out what I had told to Alex and who the black guy was outside our room, and went right to sleep. That night I had the most wonderful and full night's sleep I had had in ages. The only time I remembered sleeping so peacefully was the first night I had after I had gotten saved. God was working and I had complete trust in Him. He was in control now, nothing could go wrong, and it was with that thought that I drifted off.


	24. Chapter 23

After a peaceful nights sleep I woke up just in time to hear the phone ring and hear Biko's voice on the other line. "Sorry, did I wake you up?" he asked. I replied that it was a good thing he phoned or else I would have slept the day away. I could hear him smiling on the other end. "Are you up to going somewhere today?"

"I suppose I can muster up the strength to go out with my favourite person…" I smiled and he said that he was already on his way. I was so glad that I didn't have morning sickness anymore. "So where are we going?" I asked him when I had gotten into his car.

"It's a surprise, but first of all you need to answer some of my questions."

"Anything."

"So, first question. Boy or girl?"

"Boy," I smiled. "Now all I need to do is think of a name!"

He smiled back but then grew serious. "Second question; How are you feeling about all this, I mean, are you giving him up for adoption or keeping him?"

I should have expected Biko to ask questions, but I don't know if I myself was prepared to answer them. "To tell you the truth, I'm kind of attached to him… Is that bad, I mean, I want to keep him and everything but I don't know how I'm going to be able to."

"Well, it's not _bad _to get attached to your own baby, I guess. Have you prayed about it?"

"Yeah, but… It's not the answer I expect. I feel like I should keep him but no opportunities are coming up."

"Maybe that means you need to give him up. This is your life. You can never be a normal teenager again after he's born. You might not even be able to finish your high school, you'll be too busy bringing him to day care and working."

"I know! Everyone keeps telling me that! Just because it'll ruin my life, it doesn't mean I can just give up and give him away."

"What about him? Doesn't he deserve a good life with a mom _and_ dad who are always there for him?"

"Yes he does, but I can love him more than two people put toogether. Stop trying to get me to give my baby away!" I said my voice starting to rise.

"I'm sorry… Just try and think of what the compassionate thing would be, ok?" he paused. "So, where are you going to live?"

"No more questions please."

"No, you need to figure this stuff out. Where are you going to live?"

I waited a while and then said, "She's sending me back to Canada to have the baby and… I'm going to have to live with my dad again."

He turned, surprised. "You're leaving?" he half whispered. "When?"

"I don't know. Let's not talk about it now, okay?" When he didn't reply I asked. "So where are you taking me?"

This drew up a faint smile on his face. "Close your eyes. I want you to be surprised when we walk in." I smiled and obeyed. In a few minutes I felt the engine stop and Biko's door close. He came over to my side of the truck, helped me out and helped me into the building. "Open them," he whispered in my ear.

At first I was confused but then my heart leapt with anticipation. I looked around and in front of me saw every piece of baby furniture imaginable. "I'm buying your baby his first crib and car seat. Take your pick!" Biko said grinning from ear to ear.

My heart felt like it was going to explode in thanksgiving. "Biko," I said starting to shake my head, but he stopped me and said that he wanted to do this for me and if I refused him, he would be offended. Then the teenage girl inside of me resurfaced and I was ready to do some shopping.


	25. Chapter 24

**Just so you know,** thanks so much for the info! wow.. yea embarrassing.. just goes to show how rly naiive i am.. i'll change it asap. thnx again. :)

* * *

"Do you know what frustrates me the most about all this?" I asked somewhat angry as I entered Biko's beat up truck, after we had bought what we had come for.

"Let me guess, the uncomfortable feelings, the nausea, the need to _clean_?" he answered with a little sarcasm.

I sighed. "It's the looks people give me when I'm in a store or walking down the street... Thanks for doing this for me."

"You are very welcome! You're my girlfriend. What else am I supposed to do?" he said rubbing my hand.

I sat there for another moment, my heart beating. Then I remembered Alex (the girl I had met at the doctor's office, not the psycho arrogant creep). "I just keep thinking of this girl I saw in the pregnancy office a little while ago. She couldn't have been older than thirteen and she was pregnant. I wish I had gotten her number or something."

"You could call the doctor's office and ask for it," he said trying to be positive but knowing full well that it would be impossible to get the number from them.

I heaved out a sigh when we got to the campus. We had to drop off the stuff at my dorm. I also went to speak with the principal. He said that I had a month and than it would be too much of a distraction and too close to my due date if I stayed after that. I had one month to find myself a liveable home and save up for three more months for the baby to come.

When Biko helped me with the boxes into our room Tammy was beside herself. She kept yelling all over the place, "Oh my gosh, you're pregnant? I knew it! I knew it!"

I looked her square in the eyes. "You tell _anyone_ about this and I will suck your eyeballs out with a straw and eat them on toast," I said sternly. Of course I wouldn't do it. I wasn't some sort of cannibal but Tammy was too stupid to know I was joking, so she just scrambled out of the room as fast as she could. Pretty soon everyone was outside our dorm room trying to peek at me and see if the rumours Tammy had just told them was true. I fell on the bed crying. Biko and Elise sat next to me. "I'll be the laughing stock of the entire school in a few minutes…" I said in between sobs.

"Yes, you probably will," Elise said. I looked at her. "So in this case, there is only one thing to do…"

"And what is that?" I asked.

"Dear Jesus," she started and Biko and I bowed our heads and followed her lead. "We come before you with Kelsey. You know that she's pregnant and you also know how people will gossip about her and Alex."

"Please give them the peace they so desperately need," Biko continued. I couldn't believe it. My boyfriend was actually praying for the guy I had cheated on with. "We ask Your Spirit to calm their nerves, as well as the baby's."

"Help Alex come to know You through Kelsey," Elise added.

"Kelsey also needs a place to stay in a month. So could you please make something available? And help Kelsey feel close to You and remind her that You adore her and that You're always with her."

"Help her be able to ignore all the mean comments and looks that will come her way."

"Thank you that You promised never to abandon us."

"Thank you for forgiving us when we mess up," I added.

"Give Kelsey the strength she needs to take care of the baby boy inside her."

"Jesus, thank you that I have such great friends who hold me up with You, when I can't do it myself. Thank you especially for Biko, who's been able to forgive Alex and me. In Your precious beautiful name we all pray, Amen."

"Amen," Biko said and squeezed my hand.

"Amen," Elise said.

"Amen," said a voice I did not recognise. I turned to look cross the room and there sat Corrine, on her bed, earphones off her ears.

"Hi, I didn't know you were listening…" I said.

"Are you a Christian?" asked Elise beginning to be excited.

"No," Corrine said. "Don't get any ideas." With that she put back on her music and remained silent.

Just as I had suspected, the next day I heard the whispers. They wouldn't talk when they thought I could hear them, but I knew they were all watching, all talking. After three weeks I was really starting to panic. I only had one week left until I would have to leave and the baby was getting bigger with each day. I was really starting to show now and it was getting harder and harder to climb all those stairs in time for class. Then one day, I was at my breaking point. _God, please! I don't know what to do. I need a place to stay. I-"_

"Kelsey!" screeched Elise from inside our room and came running out. "Kelsey!"

"What?" I asked taken aback.

"Oh my gosh! I got a letter from my parents this morning! Oh! You see, I wrote to them about you, I hope you don't mind, because, because now, you have a place to stay!"

"What do you mean? I don't even have the money to afford an apartment."

"Who needs an apartment, when you have a fully furnished house with your very own room? Oh! This is so great. Okay, okay, okay. You know how my mom and dad are missionaries in Uganda? Well, they've been working there ever since I was born and they've decided to take a break for a few years! Guess where they are going on furlough? Canada!"

"Wait a minute. What's furlough or whatever?" I asked.

"Furlough is the period of time where missionaries go back to their originating country to relax and take a break from the mission field. So… guess which province they are going back to? Guess!" I shrugged my shoulders. "British Columbia!"

"No way! This is way more than a coincidence. Way too freaky," I continued.

"Plus, they just bought a new house and it has a huge spare room, already furnished with a bed, a desk, a computer, and a television built into a wardrobe, and get this, when my parents told the owners of the house about who the room was going to be for, they went out and bought diapers and all this baby stuff!"

"No way! This, wow, this can't be happening."

"So, my parents and I want to know if you would consider staying with us while we are in B.C.?" she finally asked.

"Elise… Are you sure you want me to stay with you. I mean, when the baby cries, he's going to be up at all hours of the night and…" I replied. I could not accept this sort of kindness from Elise anymore. I would just have to wait for God to show me what to do.

"Kelsey, this is what we've all been praying for. This _is_ your sign from God," she said as if she was reading my thoughts. "Please. I want you to come. If you want, you can pay a little rent or something. It's not charity. Is it a deal?"

"Yeah. I don't know how to thank you."

"Raise a healthy baby in God's eyes, would be a start."

"It's a deal," I said and hugged my best friend. That night at the Christian Fellowship in our dorm, I thanked God openly and told everyone how much God answered prayers. I could tell He was happy.


	26. Chapter 25

"So, when are you leaving?" Biko asked in a faint whisper the next evening. Elise had just left with some friends to the movies, Tammy was at some party and Corrine had also left to some mysterious destination. We had the whole dorm to ourselves.

"Three days," I replied.

"Three days?" he asked in surprise.

"Yeah, it was kind of last minute, you know?"

"Yeah... This isn't fair. I should be telling you, I don't want you to go, or begging you to stay. But I can't, because you need to leave."

"Biko?" I said making him look me in the eyes. "I love you. Goodness, I have never met anyone like you before. You are the strongest guy, man, I have ever met. You taught me to believe in the unseen. You taught me to love, even when it was hard. You taught me to read between the lines. But most of all, you taught me to look beyond what someone looks like." He shook his head and just looked at me. I started to cry and he brushed away my tears and pushed away my hair from my face. "I'll come back, after I've gotten back on my feet with Dillan…"

"Dillan?"

"Yeah, that's the name I decided to give him. It means faithful in Hebrew." I put my forehead on his.

"I love you so much…" He took my chin in his fingers. "Marry me?"

"Please, Biko, don't. Don't tempt me… I'm seventeen and pregnant. We're both not even finished school. It would never work. We don't have the money."

"Then I'll wait. We don't need to get married today. We can wait. Until you've had Dillan, until we've finished College and University and get good enough jobs," he pleaded.

"We can't plan that ahead of our lives… We don't know what will happen by then. You'll meet someone else and…"

"No," he said sternly. "I'm not going to _meet_ anyone like you, ever. Here." He took out of his pocket one of those fake diamond rings you get in cereal boxes. He laughed. "I know it's kind of cheap, like cereal box cheap, but I'll buy you a better one someday. It's just a promise ring alright?" I didn't know what to do. He must have seen my anxiety so he added, "If either one of us find someone else, we'll break it off."

"I don't know…"

He took it back. "It's fine…" his watch beeped. "Seven o'clock…" He got up to leave but I held him back.

"Please stay?" I asked. I stood up and we kissed for a long time. After a few minutes Biko pulled away.

He had tears in his eyes. "Let's not ruin anything, Kelsey. Please. Let's save it, okay?"

"It's not fair! We love each other. We're going to get married later on. It's not like I can get pregnant. What's the big idea? Why is God just trying to keep us from enjoying each other?" I was suddenly mad at God. What was he trying to do, control how much happiness I would get?

"No… He's not trying to keep us from showing how much we love each other… He's trying to save us."

"From what? There's no danger here," I said and resumed kissing him.

"There is, Kelsey, there is. Sex isn't just physical, it's emotional and spiritual. I do love you, but we have to trust God on this one. Please. I mean, He,s the one who invented sex, I think he knows how it's supposed to be enjoyed… I want our wedding night to be something special. Let's not okay?"

I was a little frustrated but it was slowly subsiding. I sighed, "Alright… I guess I can't really judge what is good or not, I mean, look at me… I'm six months pregnant."

"It's alright… Goodnight." He kissed my forehead. "Goodnight Dillan let your mom sleep well." Then he left.

It was hard for me to do my devo's that next morning, but I did none the less. This time, I wouldn't let my doubts come between God and me. I told Him how I was doubting Him but I knew if He was real, we needed to be on the same side. I decided that this time I would really let God take over. Besides I was too tired to fight with anyone.

To my surprise, the three days past by quickly without any further disruptions. On the last day Biko came over to help us back our last few things.

"I know this is unfair to ask but, do you really need to leave?" he asked me at the airport.

"Yes…I wish I didn't. I wish you could come with me though." Biko looked down and shook his head. "You'll write to us, won't you?" I added.

"Everyday… I'm going to miss you."

"Goodbye," I finally said.

"I love you, Kelsey," he said and I knew he meant it. He gave me a quick kiss and we were on the plane.

It was there that I met Elise's parents; Mr and Mrs Lavoie. I also met Elise's five little brothers and sisters. It seemed as though everyone I met had huge families! I must have thanked them a hundred thousand times by the time we landed in Paris and transferred onto another plane. Although I laughed and kept the kids distracted with Elise during the twelve hour plane ride, my heart was breaking into a million and one pieces.

Why hadn't I accept Biko's ring? Of course we were going to get married someday, that's what people who were in love did. They got married. Well it was too late now. As soon as I got settled I would write to him and tell him I was sorry… again.

I looked out of the window as we left off. I was again leaving the new found comforts of my life and heading towards something new, yet at the same time old. I was dreading going back. I remembered the conversation I had had with my dad.

"What the 'flip' is wrong with you!" he had yelled.

"Dad, I already got this from mom, okay?"

"You already got this from your mom? She's the (vulgar word) who made the same mistake! She ain't no one to look up to!"

"Well, you sent me to her!" I yelled back.

"Just to get you outta my face all the time! I don't have the patience to have the police crawling all over the house! I don't want you back! You go right back to your whore of a mother and don't you dare come back to the house!"

"I'm not asking to go back to the house! I just wanted to keep you updated, that's all." He hung up in my face. "Bye, dad," I said to an empty receiver.


	27. Chapter 26

Afterwards Mr. and Mrs. Lavoie helped me install the crib and get my room set up. Mrs. Lavoie even made some chocolate chip cookies, that day, just for me. They really showed me God's love and compassion without making me feel like I was imposing or being given charity. I could see where Elise got her genuine love for everybody and everything from. Time, once again, flew by. I had been seeing another doctor and my due date was May twelfth.

I wrote to Biko almost everyday. Although I missed him more than I had ever missed anyone before, Elise had succeeded in getting my mind on other things. Her mom was a great help as well. It was strange to think that I had never changed a diaper before, but she didn't even make me feel the least bit embarrassed. She also taught me how to bathe a baby and feed it. I practiced with her daughter, little Lavinia, a lot, but babysitting was one thing and actually having a child of your own is another…. The thing that I was most grateful for, though, was the day that I received a large package from Africa.

The whole youth group had gotten toogether to buy me diapers, stuffed animals, and a snugly, so I would be able to walk around and do stuff even with the baby. That night I cried, hard. I let it _all_ out, again.

"Is everything alright dear?" Mrs. Lavoie asked and entered my room.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Did I wake you up?"

"No, no. I just wanted to check up on you."

"At two in the morning?" I asked drying my tears.

"Alright…Call it a mother's intuition. What's wrong?" she asked rubbing my back. Her voice was so soothing and comforting I just couldn't hold back anymore and I let the tears flow and flow.

"The problem is I'm pregnant. I've made the stupidest mistake of my life. I'm never going to be able to take it back. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't think Alex will come through either. I won't be able to get a good enough job because I haven't even finished high school yet! I mean, I can't just stay here all my life. Dillan's always going to be there or at least for another eighteen years. I'm going to have to provide all the things that children need and I don't even know what that is!

How am I supposed to treat him? Like a little brother, or just a cousin? I've never had either. Or am I supposed to treat him as a friend? I'm practically old enough to be his sister for crying out loud." She rubbed my back in circles slowly. We were both silent for a few more minutes. "Can I ask you something personal?" I hesitated.

"I _have_ _nothing_ personal. Go ahead," she said.

The tears raced down my cheeks. "What's it like? Going into labour and having a baby? Does it really hurt?"

In a way, Mrs. Lavoie felt a deep sense of helplessness for Kelsey. She was just another teenager who had recently accepted Jesus. She took Kelsey in her arms. "Yes, it does, for some people, but it's not a total disaster. You can have an epidural, or a C-section. Lots of things are possible…You will never outstay your visit here, Kelsey. Let me tell you something. Right now, at this very moment the devil is trying to plan his next move of attack towards you. He is always trying to tempt you, scare you and make you think there is no hope. Do not let him. A few months ago, you asked Jesus to come into your life. He wanted_ you_ when you had trashed everything else in your life. You were a wreck, and Jesus Christ, the One who created the world wanted you at your worse moment. He still wants you, wants you to be happy. In Philippians four verse thirteen it says, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." You _can_ survive through this. Women have been doing it since the beginning, and some… like me, do it more than a few times! You will live to see the day when things will be better. Don't get me wrong, taking care of a baby is hard work. Goodness… sometimes you will be so in over your head you will wish you gave him up for adoption and then you will look into his little face and see the precious gift God has given you."

"Romans 8:28…"

"You are absolutely right," she said and gave me another Kleenex.

That next morning, my water broke and the contractions were regular. Luckily Mrs. Lavoie had made me pack my bags early. She grabbed them and Elise helped me into the car. I had made it clear that I wanted both of them in the delivery room and Elise got Alex on the phone. But he promptly refused to have anything to do with me, saying that if I had wanted his help then I should have stayed in Africa. This only made me more nervous and I begged her to call Biko, I needed to hear his voice.

I was in labour for a grand total of ten hours! I had no idea that having a little baby pass through you could be so painful! I pushed and heaved and begged God to let him pass easily. I later heard from Elise's mother that compared to others, it was an easy delivery. Just as I thought that I couldn't last any longer Elise passed me the phone and I tried to concentrate on who was on the other end.

"Kelsey!" the voice said loudly and agitatedly. It was Biko.

"Biko!" I breathed.

"Elise tells me you're doing fine. Just keep… uh, keep going." I smiled at his awkwardness. "Look, I've got to go; the hospital won't let me stay anymore than two minutes. I love you. I'll be praying for you, okay? Call me when it's all done," he said quickly.

"Okay. I," the pain came again. Then another nurse came and tried to take away the phone and said something about me giving birth and I was supposed to concentrate. "I love you!"

I gave one last push and the worst was over. The doctor took him away to clean him and then handed him right back over to me. "Dillan," I whispered under my breath. "I _promise _I'll be faithful." His face was all scrunched up. He let out his first breath but didn't cry much. Nothing but a little peep escaped his lips.

"Wow! Great job, Kels!" Elise exclaimed.

"He's so handsome, already," said her mom. "What are you going to name him?"

"Dillan," I replied confidently. "It means faithful, because that's what I'm going to be to God and everyone else from this point on."

"I think it's a great name."


	28. Chapter 27

I stayed in the hospital for another day to rest and when I was able to get up and walk by myself Mrs. Lavoie and Elise brought me back home. God had graced me with a seemingly quiet baby for the beginning, at least. He slept all day, waking for brief periods for food. Before then, people had given me strange looks but I had never experienced to what extent people could be judgemental, until now. I could barely go to the corner store without someone giving me a pitied look. They all either felt sorry for me, or thought I was some tramp. It was hard. Pretty soon I was getting up, every hour to feed him! For the first few months I was like a zombie walking around the house. I thought I was going to go absolutely insane.

Dillan was still great, when he wasn't depriving me of sleep. The only thing was that I missed my friends from Africa, but most of all I missed being a teenager. I missed going to the movies every Friday night. I missed sleeping in on Saturday mornings. I even missed school. It was then that Mrs. Lavoie made me a proposition.

"I was thinking," she said to me the next afternoon as I changed Dillan who was now eight months old and was trying desperately to communicate with the meaningless babble that only babies do. "Jacob and I have been invited to speak at a school on teenage sexuality. I keep thinking that we're not getting to them. Who wants to listen to two old timers, like us?" she smiled. "You said you wanted to be able to pay us rent. Instead of paying us this month, would you like to come and speak to the kids about you're life, about Dillan?"

I didn't waste one second. "I would love to! What high school is it?"

"Liberty High."

I stopped. "Liberty Senior High?" she nodded.

"From what I know, the school is deep in trouble. In a way, we're lucky that the principal is over his head with the students and is looking for any way possible to help them. There are drug busts, eighty percent of the student population is failing, and there have been seventy _reported_ pregnancy cases over the last year, not to mention the number of reported S.T.D's … They need us. I've been trying to get through to them but it doesn't seem to work."

"I- I don't know if I can…" I replied and she gave a puzzled stare.

"You said you wanted to repay us, didn't you?"

"Yes…"

"Well I think that this would be an appropriate pay. We are visiting a new school every two weeks. At the end of the two weeks we hold an all-nighter worship service in the school for the Christians and those who want to get to know God more. I would really appreciate your help for this school."

"I can't," I said flatly returning to Dillan, all former interest dissipated.

"Why not?" she asked her voice rising, only slightly. She was obviously annoyed at my outright refusal.

"Liberty High was my old high school… I'm not sure if I'm ready to go back and well, talk to them about…"

"You're not ready to tell them about your new life, eh?" she asked. "Let me tell you something Kelsey, you cannot run from all your problems in life. It was very fortunate that your mother was willing to take you from your dad, it was very fortunate for you to meet Biko and fell in love. It was very fortunate that you became a Christian. It was very fortunate that you met a Christian friend at school and it was very fortunate that we had place for you. It was also very fortunate that you could get away from the humiliation of being pregnant in Africa. I hope you thank God everyday for the gifts He has so generously given you, but now it's time to hold to your end of the deal. You need to be telling people about Him."

"I know…"

"I will not allow my house to be some place where teens come and be useless," she said practically. "Now, you know you can stay here as long as you want, but I want you to be the woman God created you to be. Find His purpose for you. How do you know this is not it, if you don't even try? Are we in agreement?"

"Yes. I guess you want me to prepare something to say?" I said, but really I didn't need to ask. I knew what she wanted from me.

"Just talk a little about you life experiences and where they've led you," she said simply.

I went back into my room to put Dillan down and took out one of my old diaries. I flipped through the pages from my eighth birthday when I hadn't gotten any presents because my dad had been too wasted to remember it was my birthday, to my twelfth birthday when I had lost my virginity, purposefully. I read through all my entries. No one knew or even suspected that I was hurting so much. Even I was surprised. I knew that most people, even my friend's didn't love or even like me, more like they loved to hate me.

I was the subject of all the gossip; everyone was always looking for my next radical move. I came upon the page where I had dyed my hair half purple and half green. (I can't imagine why… it was hideous…) After a few weeks people had stopped talking so I had shaved it! I had put a picture of myself in and scribbled all over it. I hated myself. I went from boyfriend to boyfriend. Then I opened a newer diary. It was from the day of my sixteenth birthday to when I had gone to Africa, when Biko had shown me Korianna, and then our first kiss, Adriana's wedding, school, Selena and Arielle, cutting myself again, getting pregnant and then to yesterday.

Then I knew what to do. I took a blank piece of paper and didn't stop writing for an hour and a half. I wrote about every deception and pain and the very few joys of my life. I wrote about how every little decision affected the eventual outcome of my life and how it was now. I wrote about things that I had never told anyone. It didn't cross my mind until the end that I would be saying these things to my old friends at school! But then I realised that I didn't care. I was now, more concerned about their lives than my own reputation. It would be crushed, I had no doubt but that was now alright. Then I was done. I looked at Dillan sleeping, so peaceful, so quiet, for now anyway, and added one more sentence.

"There is a verse in the Bible; Romans 8:28, it says, "For all things work toogether for good, for those who love the Lord"," I told them that one fateful day. "I chose to trust God with my life. I let Him take all the burdens and hurt that I had suffered, and I know that it has made all the difference. Maybe I still would have had a baby if I wasn't a Christian but at least I have Someone to lean on now who will never let me down." For a fully five seconds the whole auditorium was silent. Then I looked up and into the faces of my audience. I was about to walk off the stage when there came a sound louder than any I had ever heard in that auditorium, it was the sound of applause. The clapping continued until the principal who to my utter surprise was also a little teary eyed, came up and dismissed them to lunch. I picked Dillan up from Elise's lap and gave him a huge kiss.


	29. Chapter 28

"Kelsey! You were amazing!" she exclaimed. "It was great and it's not even the end of the two weeks!"

"God was really speaking through you," said Mrs. Lavoie. I smiled. It was like I wasn't talking at all. I just opened my mouth and the words sort of flowed out. I asked Elise if she could watch Dillan for a few minutes and she agreed. I walked out of the auditorium and down the halls. I wave of memory washed over me. It was exactly as I remembered it; the occasional couple making out in the hall, a few shady characters dealing drugs in the open, people copying homework for their next class. No one saw me or paid attention to me really, until I ran into someone else.

"Kelsey?" she asked excitedly. I answered yes. "I- I'm Katerine. I'm a Christian also, and I've been praying for you everyday for the past two and a half years… It started just by asking God to show you the way but I never thought He would actually answer them! This is amazing…"

"Thank you … I had no idea. Really, thank you."

"Well, I totally believe in the power of prayer now. If you can get saved, then anyone can." She smiled. "Even if I didn't know you… God still used me." She gave me her number and asked to keep in touch.

Then I met someone else who had also been praying for me. He told me that he had started right after he found out that I was going to Africa. He gave me a good Bible verse and was off. Then there must have been twelve other kids who came up to me and said that they were going to go to the end-of-two-week-retreat/worship-night! Then, there were my friends. I had tried to take an alternate route just to avoid them but it didn't work.

Landon laughed in my face. "So you've become a religious freak huh?"

"When is your nun application coming in?" Ana said more to the others than to me. She always did make the worst jokes…

Then Chris asked more sincerely than others, "Why did you do this? You made it without you God before. All of the sudden because you didn't have the balls to abort it, you have yourself a kid. Religion is just a crutch. We used to say that, remember? Or have you lost your memory as well as your touch with reality?"

I was shaken. These were my friends or I thought they were my friends. "That was the biggest load of (vulgar word) I've ever heard," added Lisa talking about my speech.

"Now, now guys. Kelsey doesn't really mean all of that! She's only doing it so that the religious old fogy will let her stay in her house. Tell them, Kelsey," Kirt said. I looked at Kirt. I shuddered at the memory of the stuff we did toogether. I hated myself for all the things I had done to myself and to him. They all looked at me, expecting the old Kelsey to spring back into action.

"Of course! What'd you guys think, I went to Africa and come back all religious and everything? Come on. It's still me, Kelsey! Who's got a joint on them?" I would have said... if I didn't have God on my side. If it wasn't God giving me strength at that very moment, I would have gone off with Kirt to make out in a dark corner like we always did. Instead I said, "No. I really believe what I just told you." They stared. "Come on. You know me. I wouldn't believe in something if I wasn't one hundred percent sure it was real!"

"I don't believe _this_. You're really gone aren't you?" Landon said.

"I'm not gone! I'm right here. It's the opposite. I feel better, than any drug ever made me feel."

"Man, I'm not taking this crap from you," Ana said and walked off with Landon.

Lisa looked at me for a long while and searched my eyes. "Where are you? You're not the same."

"I'm… I'm not the same, Lis. I'm better."

"Sorry, Kels. It was fun, but… I can't stand goody two shoes," she let out a short sigh. "You used to know that."

She left with the others and only Chris remained. "Don't try to convince me into anything alright! I'm still your friend, but don't even say the name God, Jesus, angel, saint, demon, heaven, hell or any of that crap. Alright?"

"You might change your mind between now and a few days. The two weeks will be up soon…" I replied.

"I _know_ I won't. I'll even pay you a hundred dollars, if I do. You know what? I'll pay you two hundred dollars if I get saved. Deal?"

"I don't make bets anymore," I said flatly but then grinned. "Fine, I won't talk about God until you ask about Him."


	30. Chapter 29

The days crawled by, Mr and Mrs. Lavoie had three more sessions with the school until the big end-of-two-week-retreat/worship-night. They had more people come to those three sessions than they did in all of the other ones put together. God was definitely working. When that evening came I was so excited I nearly jumped out of my skin. We got there early and watched as person after person, face after face entered the gym where we had set up the stage. I was delighted to see a good chunk of my friends come in, including Chris. Katerine was followed by a few other Christian friends and people from her youth group. All in all, the evening was awesome.

The band from Elise's youth group had come to play for us. First we started off with some rock songs so we could let ourselves go and jump around. Then we slowly progressed to a few worship songs. Then chairs were pulled out and there were a few other guest speakers who came and spoke. After this we sang some more songs and by then I could just _feel_ the Holy Spirit's presence. It was filling the room, touching every heart, hugging every soul. I looked around and everyone was into it. Some were writing in the journals we had told them to bring and some were just enthralled with the worship. By the end of the song 'Give me one Pure and Holy Passion', Landon was on his knees bawling with Katerine and her friends praying over him.

Before, crying, in my opinion, was a sign of defeat and weakness. It was for people who were too stupid to think of anything else to do. But now I saw it in a different light. Crying is human, everybody does it. It was perhaps a sign of defeat, but maybe we do need to admit defeat once in a while, especially to God. After a while everything builds up and we need to let it go.

Some people weren't crying though. Elise had once told me that she thought that she had to cry when she went to retreats. She _had_ to have something wrong to confess, because, well, that's how it always happened. But she understood now that that was not the case. She should be cherishing the time she had while it was easy to believe in Him instead of making problems for herself. She was being a fake and lying and she knew that this displeased God. She wasn't pleasing God by repenting from something she had just made up, or made herself do.

Unfortunately all of my other friends had left before half the night was gone. After singing some more, there was some drama, and a few people read some poems. Then it was open mike time. One after the other people poured out their stories, each ending with how everything had changed after they met the Lover of their soul, Jesus. It was absolutely amazing to see. In the early morning we split up into small groups and prayed and talked about our experiences. We ended with a few more powerful songs and everyone was jumping up and down and dancing and singing praises to His name. When we were done, we did a count and twenty-five people had been saved or re-committed their lives to Christ that one night. We all praised God for such a miracle.

I realised that God had a major plan for everything. Because God had allowed Biko to lead me to Him, I had helped show all those twenty-five people God's love. All those twenty-five people would be leaving this auditorium and go out into the world and tell others, and those others would be used by God to save others.

Only God had this plan in mind from the beginning. Only He knew that a simple thing like taking a plane ride to South Africa to visit my mom could change so many people's lives. He was smiling down upon me, even in my rebellious age and thinking of the time when I would be standing on that very platform.

When I got home I paid Elise's younger sister for babysitting Dillan that evening and early morning. I was utterly happy. I felt so cleansed. I didn't know what God had in store for the rest of my life, or for Dillan's life, but the only thing I did know was that it would be well because "All things work toogether for good, for those who love the Lord." Romans 8:28.

* * *

hehe that'smy ideal worship night thingy... all night worshiping our Creator, moshing, speakers,testimonies.. i love that kind of stuff :) 


	31. Chapter 30

I woke up at two a.m. by Dillan's screaming. I sat groggily up but then fell back down onto my pillows. I screamed into my pillow. Why had God let me get pregnant? A few days ago I had been full of faith and thanking God for giving me Dillan, and now I just didn't have the energy to get up and hold him and feed him, again. I hadn't gotten a full night's sleep in over nine months. When would he just go to sleep? He continued crying and I suddenly remembered that there were other people trying to sleep in the house so I gradually got up and took him in my arms to feed him.

I was getting so drained. Everyday it was the same thing. I spent my whole day burping, changing diapers, and trying to dodge the squirts of pee, explosive diarrhoea, projectile vomit and sneezes; all targeted at me. The only time off I had was weekends, and even that was spent working full days from six in the morning to seven at night. Only to come back to a crying baby and go on with some more feeding, burping, and bathing. I had _no_ social life, except with Elise who helped me do the grocery shopping every week.

Even money was always tight now. I hadn't bought myself any new clothes, or treated myself to a movie or restaurant in forever. We simply couldn't afford it. Of course the Lavoie's let me have the room for free, but they knew, as well as I did, that Dillan was my son. He was mine to support and raise. I had _no_ idea how hard it would be to raise a child. Watching people do it was one thing but actually doing it yourself, twenty-four hours a day, was another.

It was now mid August and, thankfully the kiddie pool had bee invented a few decades before my time, and was still open so I was able to do something other than sit at home and try and entertain Dillan. The unfortunate thing was that most, if not all of the moms and dads who were there were adults. And of course, they spared no time in making me feel unwelcome. I always cringed at the looks they gave me. I still wasn't used to them, and I don't think I will ever be. However there were one or two older teenagers if not young andults who ventured out into the kiddie pool world with their children. One of these few teens was named Erik and his son, Patrick. Sadly I found no other good friends; all they were concerned about was when their next date would be. From the moment I started talking to Erik, I knew something was different about him.

We had great conversations and I could tell he was interested in me. I wasn't planning on doing anything with him, I was still in love with Biko. I was just being me, and I was flirty. Since God made me, He must have made me flirty and who was I to ignore my talent for making guys run after me like a dog after a bone? I did the whole act, laughing, running my hands through my hair as well as his, and even going as far as tickling Patrick and Dillan. Erik was hanging on my every smile and word by the time I had to leave.

"Well I really enjoyed talking with you, Kelsey. Who would've known, you're gorgeous and intelligent."

I laughed with my head facing the sun. "I'm not that intelligent, but I won't argue with the gorgeous part, Erik." I took Patrick in my arms one last time and kissed his cheek before leaving.

"No fair, all he does is poop and smile and he gets a kiss goodbye," Erik said and gave me a slight smile. "Where's mine?"

Again, I smiled and then I leaned forward in an attempt to kiss his cheek but he turned suddenly and our lips met. For some unknown reason I let it linger for a fraction of a second longer and then pulled away. "Don't do that again, okay?" I asked reproachfully and annoyed.

"Sorry," he said quickly. "Uh, yeah. It won't happen again." I nodded and left. "Will you be here tomorrow?"

"Yeah. See-you, and Patrick, tomorrow." And I did see them again. I saw them every day that week and the next and the next. Pretty soon we exchanged phone numbers. After the kiddie pool had closed, we still kept in touch and after w while set up a play date for Dillan who was now a year and a half, and Patrick who was two years old and waddling all over the place. I had a feeling that Erik was just using them as an excuse to be with me, but I didn't really care, besides, my heart was still with Biko all the way across the ocean in South Africa.

Elise wanted to come with me but in the end had a doctor's appointment that couldn't be moved. So with Dillan in one hand and his baby bag in another, I knocked on Erik's apartment door right before lunch.

"Hey! Patrick, look who it is!" he said smiling at us in the door way. Patrick came gallivanting down the hallway as he heard his name and screeched with delight, seeing Dillan and I. Erik took Dillan from me and brought him into the living room. We talked over pizza for the better part of an hour and then we put the babies down for a nap. "So what do you want to do now?" He asked looking me up and down.

I gave him a look and said, "I already made that mistake and look where it brought me."

"It brought you to me," Erik continued.

"It got me pregnant."

He smiled. "Okay, you win. Two points Kelsey, zero Erik."

"What movies do you have?" I asked, ignoring his comment.

"Just the classics, Pearl harbour, Titanic…"

I pushed out a laugh. "No thanks. What about something without a love scene? Like Star wars, or 'I, Robot'?"

"I vote, 'I, Robot'." He took out the movie and I popped the popcorn. Everything started well… He sat on one side of the couch, I sat on the other but somewhere in the middle of Will Smith finding the robot who defied the three laws and him saving the world, we got a little closer. Pretty soon, I had my head on his shoulder and he had his arm around my neck.

Why was it that every time I met a guy that liked me, it always had to end in us making out? Was it just me who couldn't control myself? I only realised what we were doing when I heard Dillan start to cry, followed by Patrick's desperate cries. "Leave them," he said trying to keep me on the couch, they'll cry themselves to sleep again."

"Erik?" I asked trying to get a word in edge wise, but failing miserably. "Let's not…" We continued what we were doing and then a Bible verse came to mind. It was from 1 Corinthians 6:18-20 "Flee from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body, as this one does. For sexually immorality is a sin against your own body. For don't you know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, that lives in you and was given to you by God? For you do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a price. So you must honour God with your body."

"No." I said sternly and pulled away from him. "I'm going to get Dillan and I'm leaving, now."

He was startled by my abruptness. "Why, what's wrong?"

"What's wrong? You already know I'm a Christian. This is going against what I believe. Why do you want to do this?"

"God is just trying to get you live a boring life! You have to live the life you were given to the fullest. Stop following a man-made religion Kelsey. You're selling yourself short."

"God is just trying to keep us safe," I said, scooping Dillan up and handing him a bottle." and it's not a man-made religion. There is proof that Jesus actually existed."

"Oh, come-on. You don't believe in that crap, do you?" he asked.

"Yes. I do."

"Alright. Then, I'm sorry. But you've got to give me a break. After months of flirting, then you cut me off like that? Isn't there some sort of rule against leading guys on in that Bible of yours? I think you owe me some…"

I didn't know what to say… "Look, I'm not perfect… I'm sorry for leading you on like that, but… the answer is still no and your not going to guilt trip me into sleeping with you. I'm not that easily swayed."

"Okay. I underestimated you. I'm sorry, just don't leave alright?"

I started for the door and he followed and handed me a pill bottle. I shook my head in disgust. "I don't take drugs! Just leave me alone…"

"It's not drugs! It's just some stuff, my friend from the pharmacy gives me once in a while. It's just to give you an extra boost of energy. You deserve it after hanging out with a complete jerk like me… I remember when Patrick wouldn't sleep through the night. I don't know where I would be if it wasn't for these."

I reluctantly took them, but it left me with a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. Why on earth did I always attract such _dirt bags_? I knew that God was waiting for me to come back to Him, but I wasn't ready. I hadn't really spent much time with Him lately… I didn't want to face Him; He was the only one who saw right through me… The ironic thing was that He knew that I was dreading confessing to Him, yet I did nothing about it.


	32. Chapter 31

I rolled over and sighed. Dillan was crying, again. He had a fever. I had already woken up four times that night and was utterly exhausted. I crawled over my bed and pick him up from his crib. I held him close and fed him. _God? I'm sorry…_ I started crying. _I'm tired… I don't want to do this anymore. I can't handle this on my own. I know. Lately I've been, well, avoiding you, and not listening to you and then I come crawling back when things go bad, but I'm sorry. I am such a hypocrite. I'm really sorry this time…Please, I'm begging you, forgive me. I need Your strength and determination. I'm sorry for what I did with Erik the other day and I'm sorry for not spending that much time with you._ As if my prayers had been answered, Dillan stopped crying and fell into a deep, peaceful sleep. _Thank you. _I took a deep breath. _Thank you for always being faithful, and forgiving me time and time again._ I laid him down gently in his crib and fell fast asleep.

Only for two and half hours though…. In the morning I gave him some medicine the doctor prescribed again and to save time and effort, I brought him into the shower with me. Mrs. Lavoie told me that this helped him not to be afraid of water when he would be older so I encouraged this as much as possible. I was determined to get him involved in any after school programs as possible because I knew that if I had only had more stuff to do, I might not have ended up the way I was.

It was strange. I looked down at him sometimes and saw that he did look a lot like me, but every once in a while I would see a flicker of Alex in him. He had my hair and his eyes. I was worried about him growing up without a father though. Who would want to marry a woman with a child? Biko would and did. I missed him so much. As soon as I got out of the shower, I headed for the phone and my mom answered. For some reason I was surprised to hear her voice. She was my mother... For months, now, I had been the mother of someone else yet now I was speaking with my own. She had gone through the exact same thing I was now going through.

"Kelsey!" she said excitedly and then stopped. "I was going to call you, really… I need to ask you to forgive me…"

I was silent, so she kept going. "You are my daughter. I haven't had much experience raising a teenager. When you told me you were pregnant, it was just as if I was my mother. She did the exact same thing to me, and I suffered because of it... I'm sorry, Kelsey. I was being a poor example of Christ and a bad mother..."

I swallowed and heard her start to cry on the other end. "It's okay mom… Please, don't cry. I think I've had enough tears to last me a life time."

"How've you been doing with sleep?" she asked sniffing.

"What? Sleep? Oh yeah, that's where you lay down in your bed and close you eyes in quietness for nine hours straight, right?"

She pushed out a laugh. "It'll get better. You used to cry non-stop during the entire night until you hit two years old. Even then you would crawl out of your crib and into our room. It's amazing you even had a younger sister at all." She caught her breath.

"What?" I asked in surprise, clinging to the phone. "I have a sister?"

The other end was silent. "You probably called for Biko, right? I'll go see if he's around. Hold on."

"Mom? Mom! Mom!" I yelled into the receiver. "Mom!"

"Sorry, he's out with some friends right now. You can call back later on and he might be back," she said and with that she hung up on me.

My hand still clutched the phone as I tried to decipher what had just happened. I had a younger sister. I had a little sister. What was her name? How old was she now? Why hadn't she told me about her before? Where was she, now? What had happened to her? Was she alive? Did she know about me? I was about to call my mom back but Dillan started crying again. I heaved a sigh. I went into his room but accidentally knocked over a bottle of something on my night stand.

I bent over to pick it up and realised it was the pills that Erik had given me. I opened them and took a look. They seemed harmless enough. Dillan had stopped crying but I knew he would be up in an hour or two wanting something to eat. I was exhausted so I poured all of them into the palm of my hand. These would make me full of energy again. These would solve all my problems, and I was so drained after all my sleepless nights. But something inside me told me that this would not solve my problems. How many times had I seen shows on how people got addicted to these things?

If the body that God had given me was tired, it only meant that I was human and that it needed rest. Maybe that rest wouldn't come right away, because Dillan had woken up again, but it would come soon. God would not abandon me to this. I didn't need a pill to make me do something that was not natural. I need to start respecting my body, the temple of God. I would not ruin it anymore, sexually or by giving it drugs. "I belong to God, and God alone," I said as I flushed them down the toilet and went to pick up my precious child.

I was glad that I hadn't kept the pills that night because Dillan woke me up five times. I could now see why God had intended children to be conceived inside the marriage commitment. At least if I was married and an adult I could have my husband wake up and take care of him sometimes, but because of a stupid night out, I was a mother. I had never thought that all this could happen to me. Everyone in books always said that and I laughed at them. Of course they should have known. But I really didn't and now all I was, was an extra number in the statistics. I always used protection, even with Alex, but even with all the protection methods possible there is only one that will never fail.

I was sure not to get pregnant anymore, until I wanted to. I never understood why all the shows on teen sexuality and pregnancy barely _ever_ mentioned the one hundred percent effective method to avoid getting pregnant or an S.T.D. They always skimmed through the section on abstinence and waiting until your married.


	33. Chapter 32

"Ahhh!" I screamed into my pillow the next morning at four thirty. "He never sleeps!" I punched my pillow as hard as I could over and over and over again and buried my face in it. I took a deep breath of the dust mite infested pillow and gently picked Dillan up. I took him close to me and spoke softly in his ear, but he wouldn't sleep. He was wide awake and feeling miserable and I was so exhausted and feeling miserable as well. "Jesus loves you, this I know. For the Bible tells us so. Little ones to him belong, I am weak but He is strong. Yes, Jesus loves you. Yes, Jesus loves you. Yes, Jesus loves you. The Bible tells us so," I sang my own modified version of Jesus Loves Me. _Help. Please Jesus. I can't get out of bed anymore. I'm just worn out! I don't want to be a mom anymore…_ This time, God chose not to miraculously make Dillan go to sleep, so I gradually got out of bed and ready for the day ahead of me.

In the end I did call Biko back, but the summer was almost done and he was off working all day. I did, however get to talk with my mom, even if she was hesitant in doing so.

"You don't really need to know about her Kels," she tried to convince me.

"No, mom. I really want to know about my little sister. Please."

She paused. "You're father and I divorced once when you were two years old. But, we worked some stuff out and got back toogether after two years. During that time I got pregnant with your sister. Another child just wasn't what we needed or wanted back then. I got pregnant again and Harold didn't want another kid to support. So we divorced again." There she stopped and waited for me, expectantly.

"Well?" I asked.

"Well, what?"

"What happened to my sister in all this?"

"I was still pregnant with her."

"What happened to her?" I asked getting more and more anxious. "Where is she?"

"I don't know… I gave her up for adoption," was her flat reply.

"What?" I said starting to get angry. "How could you get on my case for wanting to give Dillan up for adoption? You said it would be impossible to give up your child!"

"And it was hard for me! Do you think it was easy just to give her up?"

"Well, it must have! You never talk about her, never even told me she existed! You've forgotten all about her! I mean, it's not like you got raped and couldn't bare the sight of her. We have the same father! What's wrong with you?"

"I had to give her up, Kelsey!"

"No, you didn't! Dad was supporting me. If you had enough money to take care of me, why couldn't you support her?" I yelled over the phone.

"She was born deaf!" I was stunned. "She was born deaf and the doctors said she would never be able to speak either. I couldn't learn sign language. I was twenty two years old. I- I had a life then. I just couldn't…"

"You couldn't or wouldn't?" I yelled.

"A little bit of both, I guess. I regret it everyday of my life, Kelsey, really I do. I wish I could have been the one to love her, and hold her."

"But you chose the easy way out…. You knew I would never be able to raise a child, and you yelled at me about even thinking of giving him up. Have you even tried to see where she is?"

"Her name is Alexandra; the last I heard was she was living in Canada. If you want to find her so badly, you can look for her."

I was so angry with her I hung up without saying anything.

I woke up the next morning and I realised that I hadn't been woken up once all night. The afternoon sun hit my face and I blinked groggily. "Dillan?" I asked casually. "You sleeping buddy?" I looked into his crib and my heart stopped. It was empty. "Dillan?" I called frantically. He was no where to be found. I ran out of my room and down the hall to the Lavoie's room. "Dillan's gone! I can't find him anywhere!"


	34. Chapter 33

"Happy birthday!" they all yelled. Dillan was screeching and jumping up and down with excitement.

"We wanted you to have a goodnight's sleep, so Dillan slept in my room last night," Elise said smiling. I hugged her and thanked them all a million times. "But a goodnight's sleep is only half of the surprise. You better go have a shower and make yourself presentable, we're leaving in half an hour." I attempted to take Dillan from her to get him ready as well. But she insisted on keeping him.

I took a nice long shower and washed my hair three times, massaging my head and lathering the soap on myself slowly. I brushed my hair, slipped on a pair of jeans with my favourite top and headed out the door with Elise and Dillan. "So where are we going?"

"Well the _place_ doesn't really matter," was her sly remark. She smiled; trying to push the fact that she knew something I did not.

"Alright… _Who_ are we going to see?"

"Ah- That's the surprise."

After a few more minutes of silence I told her, "I've almost saved up enough so that I'll be able to support Dillan and I. I've found a place near here, where I can get a cheap apartment. It's close to a good day care so I can work more and not be staying home all the time."

"That's great Kelsey! You've done a good job. At supporting him and being a mom..."

"Thanks," I said surprised. It was the first time someone had paid me such a compliment. "Hopefully he'll start sleeping through the night soon."

"He'll grow out of it. He'll grow up to be a good boy, I can tell."

"Hey Elise?" I asked looking out the window after a few moments. "Do you ever miss Africa? I mean, you were born there. Don't you ever miss your friends?"

"Everyday. Sometimes, I wake up and the smell of the air in Africa lingers in my nose for a little but then I wake up and realise I'm only imagining it. What about you? Do you miss Biko?"

"Well, yeah! I mean, I miss everyone, but especially him. Do you think…? I should have accepted to marry him when I left?"

"No," was her only reply.

"But what if he's forgotten all about me because he thought I didn't care anymore? I haven't spoken to him in months. He probably thinks I want to get on with my own life with Dillan," I said exasperated.

"Do you?"

"No! I've been trying to call him, but my mom keeps saying he's out or he's working, or he's in the shower or something. He's the one who brought me to the One who saved my life. Plus, he has a great relationship with God. He's kind to everyone, great with kids, and good looking." I smiled remembering how his smile always made me blush and my heart beat twice as fast. Even before I thought I liked him, his smile made me self conscious, like I was the most important person in the world. "I know he's not perfect. I mean, his breath smells in the morning. He has this disgusting way of chewing gum and can't fold laundry for his life. Not to mention his driving skills or lack of, more like. But I really do love him, you know. We compromise and it's always fair."

"Yeah," Elise said looking at me.

We drove on for a few more minutes until we stopped in the parking lot of an expensive restaurant. "What do you mean, the place doesn't really matter?" I asked in surprise, getting Dillan out. "You should have told me we were going here; I would have dressed up more." Elise just smiled and hugged me.

"You're eighteen, officially an adult! Happy Birthday Kelsey! You're going to love this."

I smiled back, but was still a little weirded-out by everyone excitement that morning. I followed her into the restaurant. We took our seat and I ordered whatever I wanted. I got up to go the bathroom to change Dillan but when I finished I noticed that there was some music being played outside and people chatting louder than usual. A lady came in and I asked her what was going on outside.

"A young man is going to propose soon," she replied. "I think she's about to arrive, you better go outside if you don't want to miss it." I gave her a half-hearted smile and wished that I was back in Africa accepting Biko's proposal at this instant. I hurried up to be able to watch the proposal and as I stepped out of the bathroom I saw the guy. My heart did a back flip and I almost dropped Dillan. It was Biko.

Behind him a band had set up and they were playing some classical piece. Everyone else was crowded behind the band and him. The Lavoie's, and _all_ my friends from Africa - excluding Arielle, Selena and my mom, along with all my new friends from here were all there.

"What are you doing here?" I whispered in his ear as I hugged him close. He pulled away. He was so handsome and had a tux with a tie on and everything.

"I love you more than I have ever loved anyone in my whole entire life. I'm sorry I haven't been able to talk to you lately. I had to have some time to think about… what I'm about to do. The first time I asked you to marry me I meant it, really, but you made the right choice to say no. I've gotten accepted at Abbotsford Bible College and I've found a part time job and an apartment. Kelsey," he sighed and got down on one knee, "without you, I- I feel like there's a part of me missing. So, Kelsey Anderson, love of my life, will you make me the happiest nineteen year old guy in the world and marry me?"

I nodded and pushed out a "yes" and hugged him. He looked down at Dillan. "So this is the handsome Dillan, you've been telling me doesn't sleep through the night?" He ruffled what hair he had and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "You know I would take Dillan as ours, right?" I nodded. During this whole affair I couldn't find the words to say. "We don't need to get married until you're ready, you know? I just want to make sure that you haven't forgotten me."

I touched his cheek. "I could never forget your handsome face." I kissed him and put my forehead to his. "Let's not rush it though okay?" I took a breath and slipped the ring he had bought me on its rightful finger. "I want to make sure this is in God's plan as well." I snapped back to reality only to hear that everyone was still clapping and Dillan squirming in our arms.

I was unexpectedly swept away by a wave of hugs and kisses from everyone. I felt so overwhelmed. I, Kelsey Anderson, the girl who had everything in life go wrong, was going to be married to the most wonderful guy in the world. I was suddenly worried. Was I ready to be married? I was only eighteen today. What if there were things I wanted to do, before I was tied down. Was I ready to share my entire life with someone else yet? What if Dillan didn't like him? Where did my wedding put Alex? He was Dillan's biological father, after all. What if he wanted to be part of his life? What if he wanted to be part of my life? Would Dillan feel different from all our mulatto children we would have? Would I favour him, only because he would be my only light skinned child? Could Biko really love him as much as our other children? Thankfully we were able to leave and I promised to visit Biko's apartment later on. The bad thing was that all my other friends from Africa wanted to go out and visit practically _all_ of B.C... So I showed them around town.


	35. Chapter 34

"Hey!" said Biko excitedly when I jumped into his car the next morning. "Hi Dillan! Did you give your mom a good night's sleep?"

Why did it make me feel uncomfortable when he looked or spoke to Dillan? It was because Dillan was the result of me cheating on him. I cringed. Why had I done it again? I couldn't remember. "Hey!" I said trying to brush off the uneasy feeling. He leaned over to kiss me but for some reason I pulled away.

"What is it?" he asked kindly. I could tell he was a little hurt.

"Nothing," I replied trying my best to smile.

We went out to his car and drove for a few minutes of silence and then he said as if trying to get his words over with, "You know, we don't need to get married if you don't want to." Just the fact that he was saying this confirmed that it hurt him more than anything.

"No! It's not that at all," I attempted to explain but failed and just let my voice trail off.

"I'm sorry, I probably should have called or written or something instead of just coming here and catching you off guard."

"No. It was great," I faltered. How could I explain this?

"Then what is it?" he asked, obviously confused. "You promised you wouldn't hide anything from me, remember?"

I did remember. "It's just… I mean, don't you feel, I don't know, _weird_ seeing Dillan around all the time. We both know that he wouldn't be here if I hadn't… cheated on you and broken God's law either." He was silent. "I do love you, more than anyone. I'm just worried, like if we have other kids and if Dillan will feel like he doesn't belong…"

"Sometimes, I see Alex when I look at Dillan and… it's hard. But more and more I see you and God's love and faithfulness in him. God's forgiven you Kelsey and I have to. I'm not going to let a mistake that you made and then were forgiven for, stand in the way or me being with you and Dillan. It was a mistake… sleeping with Alex, but God can change your mistakes into something great. Remember that verse you like so much?"

"Romans 8:28," I said remembering the first bible verse I had ever heard in my life. ""All things work toogether for good for those who love the Lord.""

"Right, and by the way, I do love Dillan, like he's my own."

"I know… But what about Alex? Where does that put him?"

"He can pay child support and Dillan can visit him whenever he wants. If Alex really wants to be part of his life, he can move here, or we can live in Africa, which ever we want," Biko said.

It suddenly occurred to me that Biko had never been on a plane, or ever been outside South Africa before. "Biko! Did you really… move here? For me and Dillan?"

He smiled. "I guess I did. The airplane food was gross though, next time we go on vacation we are definitely sneaking in a packed a lunch."

I was amazed. "How do you find B.C?"

"There's not as much dirt and sand, but the weathers almost the same. The trees are different but I'm glad you have mountains here. They kind of remind me of South Africa."

"Are you sure you want us to live here and not in Pretoria, I mean, I'm used to moving around, we can just go back there if you want." I asked.

His smile broadened. "You said "us to live" does that mean you aren't changing your mind?"

"Yes, that's what it means," I said squeezing his hand lightly as we walked towards his apartment. "How can I resist such amazing man?"

"She cannot tell a lie, Dillan," he said holding him. I returned the kiss that I had refused earlier, feeling completely satisfied.

"The place looks great!" I said taking off my shoes inside his four and a half apartment. "You must have been working pretty hard to afford this big of an apartment." It was pretty big too, with two bedrooms, (one for Dillan and our other children, and one for us, when we were married.) a bathroom, a nice sized living room and a kitchen. It was all very open and spacious.

"I've been saving up, and your mom helped out a little."

I didn't want to think of my mother right now… I was still confused about her."I love it," I said looking around.

We spent the rest of the day walking at the park. Biko started school the next day but he came over as much as possible. The good thing was that I got a nice job in a daycare down the street from Biko's apartment. That way I could sign Dillan up, take care of him and make money at the same time. It was a five days a week job and then I would work at the corner store down the road on Saturdays, while Biko would take care of Dillan. Although it would have been better if I had worked on Sundays, I had to take time out for God, and that was His day. I was honestly and truly thankful and was even more so when I received a call from my mom.


	36. Chapter 35

"I've found her, Kelsey," were the first words I had heard her say in three months. I was a little annoyed that she hadn't asked about her grandson, but I let it slide because I was rather curious as to what she had to say. "I found your sister."

"What?" I breathed. "You have? What does she look like?"

"I don't know. I haven't seen her."

"What do you mean?" I asked confused.

"I mean, she doesn't know that I'm her mom, and it has to stay that way."

"Why?" I interrupted.

"I have my reasons. Now, I have arranged for you two to meet tomorrow at the park in front of Biko's apartment. She lives near you guys."

"Why don't you come and meet her too? I know that… when I lived with dad, I dreamt of you every night, even if I had already lived with you for a few years. I don't think she has any memory of you. Please. Just come and let her see you. You don't need to talk to her."

"She's deaf. She won't understand anything I say anyway," was her blunt reply. "Tell your father to go with you."

"I don't want her to know him."

"Why not? He may not be the nicest guy, but don't you think she would want to meet her own father?"

"No. It's better if she never meets him."

She let out a sigh. "Just think about it okay, Kelsey? You'll be meeting at noon tomorrow."

"Okay," I answered slowly.

"Goodbye, Kelsey."

"Wait mom! Um, guess what?"

"What?" she asked sounding tired.

"Dillan is walking all by himself now. I guess it's a relief, I mean; to be able to sleep for more than five hours in a row. But he's figured out how to climb out of his crib," I pushed out a laugh and paused. "I think he's starting to form words. He understands simple ones like; his name, cookie, Biko, batman, bed time, that kind of thing." She may not care about what dad did to me for my whole life, but she must care about her only grandson.

"That's great!"

"Biko and I thinking of planning the date for the wedding soon… Do you think you can come over here and plan it with us?" I asked or rather pleaded.

"Alright," she said reluctantly. "Kelsey, are you sure you want to go through with this? I mean, you've only known him for two years."

"I know, but we love each other. Isn't that what matters?"

"Yes, but feelings come and go. Now, I know you've had to make some important decisions - some grow-up decisions, lately, but that does not mean you are emotionally ready for marriage. Your father and I made the mistake of marrying for the wrong reasons, now look at us; divorced with two children, one who has been in foster care all her life and the other who is eighteen and already has a child." She stopped. "Marriage is for the rest of your life, until you die. Probably for more than sixty years."

"Yeah…" I replied. "But he moved across the world just to be with me. Plus, he loves Dillan like he was his own."

"Of course he does, and I have no doubt that you love him as well, but that is not all it takes to be in a marriage relationship. You are combining two lives into one, two very different people into one functioning person. It takes time, dedication, communication, knowing you partner better than you know yourself. You need to have been through trials with him and above all, you need God."

"We have dedication, communication; we've been though _a lot _and we both love God."

"But you have not had time to get to know each other. You've been apart for a while," my mother said calmly. "Are ou sure you're ready to let go of Kelsey and become Kelsey; Biko's wife?"

"I don't know..." I said and reluctantly hung up.

"You know I love you right?" I told Biko the next morning.

"Yes, and I love you too," he said and kissed me.

This was going to be hard. "Biko…I think we should hold the wedding for a while… for a few years. We've only known each other for like two years. Just us being toogether is good, right?"

He looked down. "Calling you my girlfriend isn't the same as calling you my wife."

"Well there's no rule for how long two people can be engaged. I still want to marry you, and only you. I just don't want to run into things."

"What about Dillan? He won't grow up knowing me as his daddy, only his mommy's boyfriend," Biko said.

"Fiancé," I corrected him trying to make him smile. "Well, you'll be part of his life way more than his biological dad is. You will be the only dad he has and ever will know. I promise."

"So until when did you want to postpone the wedding?"

"Three, maybe four years… I want us both to make sure we're doing the right thing. I want us to live our seperate lives to the fullest untill we're mature enough to make it one life."

"I love you," he countered. "When people love each other, they get married."

"Maybe, I don't know, I've never been in love until now. But it takes more than just love. Feelings come and go, right. It's the same with a relationship with God. You have to have knowledge and feelings to make it work. Let's just take it slow okay? I've ran into too many serious relationships before. They were great in the beginning but they dried up very very fast, and I love you more than anyone. I want to be one hundred percent positive this is what God wants as well."

"Well, I can't force you to marry me…"

"I want to marry you, really I do! If it was my choice I would marry you this instant, this second. But I don't think God wants us to. Just because it's not now, that doesn't mean it won't happen."

He gave me a little smile. "You're right. Just don't forget about me."

"How can i ever forget the man I know I'll wake up for the next seventy-odd years?" This drew a smile on his face.

I was hesitant to change the subject but I had to share this with someone. "Um, I found out that I have a little sister."

"Really?" he asked.

"Yeah, from the same mom and dad too. She's fourteen now. Her name's Alexandra and mom set up a meeting for us tomorrow at noon. I really don't want her to meet my dad… but I kind of need someone there. We could leave right after church and go out for lunch with her or something."

"Of course I'll go with you!" So it was set. I was a nervous wreck for the rest of that night and morning, but finally noon came and we went to Balaklava Park.


	37. Chapter 36

Then there she was, sitting on the park bench. I hadn't seen her face but somehow I just knew it was her. My heart seized up. I didn't know any sign language except the alphabet that I had memorised out of my old school agendas. "It's her," I whispered to Biko. He looked at me and asked if I wanted him to take Dillan. I shook my head, took his hand and went over to her. "Alexandra?" I asked cautiously. Her guide dog leapt onto her, as if to signal someone was calling her name. Her auburn hair whipped her face in the wind as she whirled around to face us. She had the exact same eyes as my mother and I had and her rosy cheeks were sprinkled with freckles.

My heart stopped as our eyes met. "Alex?" I asked in surprise. It was the same scrawny girl from the doctor's office in Africa!

"Kelsey?" she said.

"Hey!" I said grinning. She hugged me. "Well, I guess I'm your sister." She smiled awkwardly. Suddenly I was glad I had something to say. "Oh, this is my fiancé Biko and this," I said giving Dillan a big fat kiss, "is Dillan. He's the one I was pregnant with when we met in the clinic."

"You've met before?" Biko asked casually.

"Yeah. We met at the pregnancy clinic, in Africa. How's the baby?" I inquired, too late to notice the look on her face.

"Uh, there is no more baby..."

"Oh..." I replied adding to the awkwardness of the situation. I should have figured it out.

"Where would you like to go for lunch, Alex?" I was again thankful Biko had come.

We went into the local fast food joint and even though the conversation turned to more serious discussion, it was no longer awkward. Biko left after a few minutes to let us talk more. Pretty soon a few minutes turned into an hour and an hour turned into a few hours and it was time for her to go. We promised to meet the next week and I would meet her new parents.

It was weird to know that us, being sisters, now had different parents and very different lives but I felt a sense of accomplishment knowing that she would never know dad. I knew that she had known many other dads like the one I had known but I had saved her from another. Her parents were named Marie and John; nice, plain, and kind names. My luck didn't go as far as they were Christians but I would leave that up to God and an invitation to church.


	38. Chapter 37

Four years later, Biko and I did get married. Dillan was almost five and was so ready for kindergarten it wasn't even funny. I was wrong in thinking that he might not have loved Biko. Biko was his favourite person in the entire world, excluding me, of course. My mom came down for the wedding as expected and she met Alexandra for the first time. I was still a little angry with her for not supporting me when I needed it most, and she did not try and pursue a relationship with Alexandra, even though they could communicate fine. Sometimes people do things and I will never know why.

I wish I had waited until my wedding night to be with a guy. Even though I hadn't slept with anyone for years now, I could never erase the memories. I will always have the images of the other guys I dated and saw over the years and that is something that will never leave me no matter how much I love Biko. On the other hand, I was so thankful that Biko had waited, because now, all his memories were of us and I loved him for it.

He looked so handsome as I walked down the aisle towards him. My heart still skipped a beat whenever I saw him. Even if we had waited to get married, the spark never died out; on the contrary it developed and became stronger. I thanked God everyday for brining me to such a wonderful, loving and godly man and allowing us to be united.

My dress was not the fairytale wedding dress that every girl imagines she will have like in books. It was quite simple actually. It was cream coloured but Elise, who was my matron of honour, insisted that it was white. The neckline went into a V shape with a train of material flowing down the back on the back. True to my childhood dreams I got married on the front lawn of the church and Steve flew in to marry us all the way from Africa. It was small but very sentimental. I didn't want to invite my dad but in the end, Biko convinced me and I forgave him for all the hurt and humiliation he had made me suffer. Even if I did invite him, he didn't come because he was in jail… for sexual abuse and possession of an illegal narcotic. It wasn't me who turned him in for either offence. My mom walked me down the aisle, with Elise and Alexandra ahead of me. We said our I Do's and that was that, we were married.

The bad thing about having a kid before you get married is you can't go for such a long honey moon. Mom still didn't want to get to know Dillan so the Lavoie's volunteered to stay with him. We left for ten days to Hawaii and came back to start our new life together as husband and wife. The night we got home I had one of those nights where you think about all the events that lead you up to that one moment in time. It was amazing how God coordinated every little mistake, word, action and person in my life.

He even used those horrible moments with my dad so that I would be able to talk about them to others. He brought me to Africa. He led me to Biko. He led me to Elise. So many things in my life resulted from other things. Even though I didn't think that things would get better when I was in those moments, they miraculously did. All I needed to do was to give it over to God, and ask Him to show me how to use my experiences.


	39. Chapter 38

Five years later, Biko, Dillan and I moved to Ontario.

"So how are Dillan, Cora and Grace?" Elise asked.

Even though I hadn't seen Elise for a long time, I could almost make out her face and expression as she said that simple sentence.

"They're great. Dillan and Cora are trying to teach Grace to dribble a basketball correctly, but she'd rather play in the sandbox and draw," I said and smiled but then it faded. "Alex barely ever calls Dillan and he hasn't visited since he was a baby. His checks have been coming in later and later each month. Last I heard his girlfriend is pregnant and they're getting married..."

"Oh," she replied quietly. "Well, I'll definitely keep them in my prayers."

"Thanks."

"So, any more little Biko's or Kelsey's going to run around anytime soon."

I laughed. "There will be soon. I'm six months pregnant."

"That's wonderful! Boy or girl?"

"Boy," I smiled.

"Biko must be out of his mind with excitement, again."

"You have no idea. It's like he's having the baby!" I replied.

She sighed. "Well I've got to go. I'll call you later alright?"

That same week I received a two hundred dollar check in the mail. At first I thought it must have been a wrong address until I read the note. It was from Chris and suddenly a wave of memory washed over me. "A bet is a bet, no matter in what point in time in a person's life it was made," his note said. "Thank you for all your prayers." Attached to the note was a picture of him, his very pregnant wife who I found out was Katerine, the one who had been praying for me before I became a Christian, and their four other children.

I leaned back in my rocking chair and listened to Dillan try and teach Grace to do additions. I smiled. She was only five. I rubbed my belly. God had decided to bless me with another baby. Life truly was a journey and God was the guide. Without Him the lovely picture I saw before me would be so different. Only He knew where I would have ended up. Even though, of course I wasn't finished my walk with Him and bumps and twists lay ahead, only _one_ thing was for sure. "All things work together for those who love the Lord." Romans 8:28 and that's the truth I believe even when I can't see the end result.

THE END

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Well that's it. DONE. Kinda long... if you've read every chapter right through, i applaude you. sigh I'm hopeless when it comes to happy endings. Review plz:)


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